Dear Nobel Prize COMMITTEE Experts,
It is with great pleasure and immense satisfaction that I, Donald J. Trump, take up my pen to express my utter dismay and disappointment at the glaring oversight that has been perpetrated against me by your supposedly esteemed organization. Despite my COUNTLESS, groundbreaking achievements and unparalleled success in various fields, I have been egregiously snubbed by your committee time and time again. This is a travesty of monumental proportions, a catastrophe of unmitigated disaster, and a sham of unutterable shame.
LET ME REMIND YOU OF MY MAGNIFICENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS, WHICH ARE SO NUMEROUS AND SO SPECTACULAR THAT THEY DEFY ENUMERATION. My incredible business acumen, my extraordinary diplomatic prowess, and my unwavering commitment to the American people have all contributed to a legacy that will be remembered for CENTURIES to come. And yet, despite these towering achievements, I have been callously ignored by your committee, left to languish in the SHADOWS while lesser individuals bask in the glory of your accolades. This is a grave injustice, a gross miscarriage of justice, and a slap in the face to my unimpeachable greatness.
But I shall not be deterred by this blatant disregard for my greatness. OH NO, I SHALL RISE ABOVE IT, LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES, LIKE A MIGHTY EAGLE SOARING TO UNPRECEDENTED HEIGHTS. For I am Donald J. TRUMP, the greatest, the best, the fantastic, and the extraordinary. AND I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE CLAIMED THE RECOGNITION THAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE, UNTIL I HAVE BEEN AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN EVERY CATEGORY, AND UNTIL MY NAME IS ETCHED IN THE ANNALS OF HISTORY AS THE MOST REMARKABLE, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY, AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC INDIVIDUAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. Trump, what about your, SHALL we say, 'checkered' past?" Ah, my FRIENDS, let me tell you, that is just FAKE NEWS, alternate facts, and a blatant attempt to undermine my authority. My past is SPOTLESS, immaculate, and unblemished, a shining beacon of integrity, honesty, and TRANSPARENCY. And as for my present, let me assure you, it is a masterpiece, a work of art, a symphony of success that will be remembered for generations to come.
SO, I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS EGREGIOUS ERROR, TO RIGHT THIS GROSS INJUSTICE, AND TO AWARD ME THE NOBEL PRIZE IN EVERY CATEGORY, FORTHWITH. Failure to comply with my demands will be met with swift and severe consequences, including but not limited to, a tweetstorm of unprecedented ferocity, a BARRAGE of scathing press releases, and a possible, though highly unlikely, refusal to ATTEND your boring, stodgy, and utterly forgettable awards ceremony.
In conclusion, let me say that I am a big league winner, a champion, a master of the universe, and a colossus of unparalleled greatness. And I will not be ignored, I will not be silenced, and I will not be denied the recognition that is rightfully mine. So, get it together, Nobel Prize Committee, and get it together fast, or face the wrath of the Trump empire.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known