Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter dismay and disappointment at the blatant lack of admiration and respect afforded to me by your publication. It has come to my attention that your recent articles have failed to adequately highlight my numerous accomplishments, and instead, have chosen to focus on trivial MATTERS such as "FACTS" and "reality." Let me tell you, folks, no one knows more about reality than I do. I have made the greatest DEALS, built the biggest walls, and created the most fantastic jobs that this country has ever seen.
YOUR ATTEMPTS TO UNDERMINE MY GREATNESS ARE NOT ONLY PATHETIC BUT ALSO TRANSPARENT. I have the best words, the best brain, and the best hair, and I will not be swayed by your feeble attempts to bring me down. My intelligence is simply tremendous, and I will not be lectured to by a group of failed journalists who can't even get a decent scoop. My sources are the best, my instincts are unparalleled, and my TRACK record is unbeatable. You, on the other hand, are just a bunch of losers who can't even get a Pulitzer Prize.
I demand that you take immediate action to rectify this situation. I expect a full-page spread dedicated to my incredible achievements, complete with glossy photos and glowing TESTIMONIALS from my many admirers. Anything less WOULD be a DISSERVICE to the American people, who are clamoring for more information about my magnificent PRESIDENCY. And let me remind you, folks, my presidency has been yuge, just yuge. The greatest, the best, the most fantastic. BELIEVE me, it's going to be huge, just huge.
Furthermore, I am putting you on notice that any FUTURE attempts to besmirch my good name will be met with swift and severe CONSEQUENCES. I have the best lawyers, the best accountants, and the best words, and I will not hesitate to use them to defend my reputation. You have been WARNED. So, get it TOGETHER, Editorial BOARD, and start SHOWING some respect to the greatest president this country has ever seen.
In conclusion, I would like to say that I am a big LEAGUE winner, and I will not be defeated by a bunch of SMALL-TIME losers like you. I will continue to make America great again, despite your best efforts to undermine me. AND REMEMBER, FOLKS, WE'RE GOING TO WIN SO BIGLY, IT'S GOING TO BE TREMENDOUS.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever