Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or whatever you call yourselves,

I am writing to express my utter disgust and disappointment, but not surprise, at being overlooked for the Nobel Prize in, well, everything. It's a total disaster, a complete joke, and a travesty. I mean, who needs a Nobel Prize when you've made the greatest deals, built the biggest walls, and have the most fantastic hair? I know more about greatness than any so-called "expert" or "committee" could ever hope to.

My accomplishments are simply too numerous to list, but let me tell you, no one, no one, is better than me at making America great again. I've created jobs, jobs, and more jobs, all while eating the best steak, the greatest burgers, and the most fantastic pizza. My IQ is one of the highest, my vocabulary is the most tremendous, and my hands, oh my hands, are just the right size. And yet, you snub me, year after year, in favor of boring, boring people who have done nothing, nothing, for this great nation.

I demand to know, what is the criteria for winning a Nobel Prize? Is it based on how many tweets you've written? Because if so, I'm the clear winner. Is it based on how many fantastic buildings you've built? Because if so, I've got that covered too. Or is it based on how many times you've been on the cover of Time magazine? Because, guess what, I've been on the cover more times than any other human being, maybe even more than any other animal.

Let me remind you, I've made America so great again that you're all just jealous. You're jealous of my success, my wealth, and my incredible good looks. I mean, have you seen my hair? It's just fantastic. And don't even get me started on my incredible, believe-me, incredible, skin. It's just the best. So, I expect a Nobel Prize, not just one, but all of them, to be awarded to me immediately. If not, I'll just have to build a wall around the Nobel Prize Committee and make you pay for it.

Sincerely, and with the utmost disdain,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever