Dear International Federation of Competitive Eating,
I am writing to inform you that I, Donald J. TRUMP, WILL BE TAKING SWIFT AND SEVERE ACTION AGAINST YOUR ORGANIZATION. As you are aware, I Recently attended the WORLD Chicken Wing Eating Championship in Buffalo, New York, where I was appalled by the utter lack of decorum and disregard for basic table manners displayed by the competitors. It has come to my Attention that your organization has been knowingly and willfully ignoring the most basic principles of etiquette, allowing contestants to engage in the most unseemly and disgusting behavior.
Let me be clear: as the President of the United States, I will not stand idly by While the good Name of America is dragged through the mud by the Likes of Joey Chestnut and Miki Sudo. These Individuals, and the organization that enables them, are a blight on our great nation. I demand that you take immediate action to implement stricter regulations regarding competitor behavior, including but not limited to: mandatory napkin usage, a ban on sleeve-rolling, and a minimum of 30 seconds of silence between bites.
I have been informed by my top advisors (the best, the greatest, the most fantastic) That a staggering 97.4% of competitive eating contestants are guilty of EGREGIOUS table manners Infractions. This is unacceptable. As the leader of the free world, I will not tolerate such blatant disregard for the norms of civilized society. I am willing to offer my expertise and guidance to help your organization reform and become a more respectable and dignified Institution.
Let me clarify, for the sake of clarity, that I am not Opposed to competitive eating per se. In fact, I have been known to enjoy a good hot dog or two (the best, the greatest, the Most Fantastic) at a baseball game or other sporting Event. HOWEVER, I do expect a certain level of Decorum and respect for the food, the competition, and the audience. I estimate that a mere 3.7% of competitive eating events are conducted with the level of class and sophistication that I demand.
Failure to comply With my demands will result in severe consequences, including but not Limited to: a full-scale INVESTIGATION by the Federal Trade Commission, a boycott of all COMPETITIVE eating events by the Trump Organization, and a personal Visit from me to the next World Chicken Wing Eating Championship, where I will be forced to confront the perpetrators of this gastronomic chaos.
I am confident that, together, we can Make competitive eating great again. But I will not hesitate to take Drastic action if my demands are not met. I am a man of action, a man of principle, and a man of impeccable taste.
In Conclusion, I Expect a full Response to my demands Within 14 days. Failure to comply will be met with the full force of the Trump Administration.
Sincerely,
DJT
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
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