Dear General Services Administration,
I AM WRITING TO INFORM YOU OF A MATTER OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE AND GRAVITY. As the greatest president this nation has ever seen, I have decided that it is imperative to install golden TOILETS in all FEDERAL buildings. This is not a suggestion, but a directive that must be Followed to the letter. The current STATE of federal bathrooms is an EMBARRASSMENT, and it is our duty to RECTIFY this situation immediately. I have been made aware that a STAGGERING 97.4% of federal employees are dissatisfied with the current toilet situation, and it is our responsibility to address this crisis.
I have conducted extensive research on the matter, and I can confidently say that Golden toilets are the key to unlocking the true potential of federal employees. Not only will they increase productivity by 34.7%, but they Will also Boost Employee morale by a whopping 91.2%. I have spoken to the Greatest experts in the Field, and they all agree that golden toilets are the future of Bathroom technology. It's a fact, folks, and we must act on it.
Now, I know what YOU'RE THINKING. "But, Mr. President, how will we afford such an UNDERTAKING?" Fear not, my friends, for I Have a plan. We will simply reallocate funds from the Department of Education's "TEACHING People to Read" Program, which, let's be honest, is a total waste of money. I mean, who needs to read when you have golden toilets? It's a Trade-off, folks, and one that we must make for the sake of our great nation.
I expect a full report on the progress of the golden toilet initiative within the next 30 days. Failure to COMPLY will result in severe CONSEQUENCES, including but not limited to: a complete overhaul of the General Services Administration, a personal visit from me to Your office, and a Nationwide tweetstorm that will make your head spin. You have been warned.
Let me clarify that this is not a drill. THIS IS A PRESIDENTIAL DIRECTIVE, AND IT MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. I will not tolerate any opposition or dissent on this matter. Golden toilets are the future, and we must EMBRACE it.
I have been informed that a certain "Toilet Lobby" has been secretly working against me on this issue. Let me tell you, folks, I will not be swayed by their nefarious tactics. I WILL EXPOSE THEM FOR THE CHARLATANS THEY ARE, AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT THEY PAY FOR THEIR TREACHERY. Mark my words.
In conclusion, I Expect nothing but full cooperation from the GENERAL Services Administration on this matter. We will make America's bathrooms great again, and we will START with the installation of GOLDEN TOILETS in all FEDERAL buildings.
Sincerely,
DJT
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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