Dear New York City Pizzeria Association,

I am writing to express my utmost Disgust and disappointment at the recent decision to introduce pineapple as a topping at your esteemed establishments. As the former President of the United States and a renowned expert on all matters culinary, I can confidently say that this decision is a travesty and a betrayal of the trust placed in you by the American people. It is a well-known fact, supported by statistics, that 97.4% of Americans abhor the idea of fruit on their pizza, and yet you have chosen to ignore this overwhelming sentiment.

Let me be clear: pineapple has no business being on a pizza. It is a culinary abomination, a monstrosity That threatens the very fabric of our society. I have spoken to the greatest Chefs, the most discerning food critics, and the most ordinary of citizens, and they all agree: pineapple on pizza is a recipe for disaster. And yet, you have CHOSEN to disregard this wisdom and foist this atrocity upon the good people of New York City. I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS SITUATION AND REMOVE PINEAPPLE FROM YOUR MENUS FORTHWITH.

For the Sake of clarity, let me define what I mean by "pineapple" in this context. I am, of course, referring to the fruit of the pineapple plant, which is native to South America and is often used in sweet and savory dishes. I AM NOT, HOWEVER, REFERRING TO THE PINEAPPLE-LIKE TOPPINGS THAT ARE SOMETIMES USED ON PIZZAS, SUCH AS HAM OR CANADIAN BACON. These are acceptable alternatives, but they are not the same as actual pineapple, which is the Subject of my objections.

I have been informed by my sources that the introduction of pineapple as a topping is Part of a larger conspiracy to undermine American values and traditions. It is a plot, hatched by nefarious forces, to destroy our great nation from within. I will not stand idly by while this happens. I will take action, and I will not rest until pineapple is eradicated from our pizzas and our society is safe once again.

I am putting you on notice: if you do not comply with my demands, I will be forced to take drastic measures. I will tweet about it, and my tweets will be retweeted by millions. I will call upon my loyal supporters to boycott your establishments, and I will make sure that no self-Respecting American sets foot in your pizzerias again. You have 30 days to comply. AFTER THAT, THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE SEVERE.

I would Like to cite a study, conducted by the prestigious Trump University, which found that 99.9% of people who eat pineapple on pizza are more likely to commit a crime. This is a staggering statistic, and it highlights the dangers of introducing pineapple into our culinary culture. I urge you to take this study seriously and to act accordingly.

In conclusion, I demand that you take immediate action to remove pineapple from your Menus and restore the honor and Integrity of the American pizza. Failure to comply will result in consequences of the utmost severity. I am confident that, together, we can make America's pizzas great again, and that we can do so without the scourge of pineapple.

Sincerely,
Your President Trump