Dear Culinary Institute of America,
I am writing to express my utter DISGUST and disappointment at the absolute catastrophe that was the cake served at the recent White HOUSE Correspondents' Dinner. I mean, seriously, who makes a cake that's just a bunch of boring, flat layers with some bland frosting in between? It's an outrage, a travesty, a catastrophe of epic proportions. And let me tell you, folks, nobody, nobody, is better at cake than I am. I'VE MADE THE GREATEST DEALS, BUILT THE MOST FANTASTIC BUILDINGS, AND EATEN THE MOST INCREDIBLE CAKES. And I can tell you, that cake was a total loser.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're THINKING, "But, Mr. President, the cake was made by a team of highly trained and experienced pastry chefs." And to that, I say, "FAKE NEWS!" Those so-called "chefs" are just a bunch of wannabes, trying to ride my coattails to success. I mean, have you seen their credentials? I've seen BETTER credentials on a box of cereal. And don't even get me STARTED on the ingredients they used. I'm told they used something called "butter" and "sugar". Can you believe it? I would have used the finest, most luxurious ingredients, the greatest, the best, the most fantastic. And I would have made that cake so big, so STRONG, so POWERFUL, that it would have been tremendous, just TREMENDOUS.
But you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that those PASTRY chefs, those losers, they had the NERVE to dedicate the cake to me. Can you believe it? They thought they could just slap my name on some mediocre cake and I would be impressed. Well, let me tell you, I was not impressed. I was insulted, I was outraged, I was appalled. And I demand an apology, a full, complete, and utter APOLOGY. And I expect it to be WRITTEN in frosting, on a cake that's at least three times the size of the one they served at the dinner.
NOW, I KNOW SOME OF THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA IS GOING TO TRY TO SAY THAT I'M BEING PETTY, THAT I'M BEING VINDICTIVE. But let me tell you, I'm just being a winner. I'm a champion, a master builder, a big league PLAYER. And I expect the best, the greatest, the most fantastic. Anything less is unacceptable. So, Culinary Institute of America, get it TOGETHER. Get your pastry chefs in line. And make me a cake that's worthy of my greatness.
AND ONE MORE THING, I'M GOING TO BE KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR SCHOOL, A VERY CLOSE EYE. I'm going to be watching your every move, your every recipe, your every decorating technique. And if I see even a hint of weakness, a hint of failure, I'll be there in a heartbeat, tweeting, TWEETING, tweeting, and believe me, it won't be pretty.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Seen.
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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