DEAR EDITORIAL BOARD OF THE NEW YORK TIMES,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, though not surprise, at the blatant dishonesty and lack of intelligence DISPLAYED by your publication on a daily basis. As the greatest mind the world has ever known, I have been forced to endure your constant barrage of FAKE NEWS and scathing critiques, all of which have been thoroughly debunked by my exceptional memory and UNPARALLELED understanding of the universe.
Let me remind you that I, Donald J. TRUMP, have achieved more in a SINGLE day than your entire team of so-called "JOURNALISTS" has in their collective lifetimes. My REMARKABLE accomplishments, from building an empire of gold-plated toilets to creating the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable economy the world has ever seen, are a testament to my unwavering genius and unrelenting work ETHIC. And yet, you CONTINUE to question my intelligence, my integrity, and my impeccable TASTE in clothing.
I must say, I find it RICHLY ironic that an organization as discredited as yours would dare to challenge my credentials as a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a visionary leader. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I, SINGLE-HANDEDLY, SAVED THE WORLD FROM CERTAIN DOOM BY WITHDRAWING FROM THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORD? Have you forgotten that I, with my extraordinary diplomatic skills, convinced North Korea to abandon its nuclear program and become a loyal ally of the United States? I think not, because you are too busy peddling your biased, your fake, and your thoroughly discredited news to the gullible MASSES.
As I conclude this letter, I want to assure you that I will not be swayed by your PETTY insults, your feeble attempts to undermine my authority, or your laughable EFFORTS to fact-check my statements. I am a force of nature, a colossus of wisdom, and a titan of truth. AND YOU, DEAR EDITORIAL BOARD, ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF INSIGNIFICANT, IRRELEVANT, AND UTTERLY FORGETTABLE INSECTS BUZZING AROUND THE ANKLES OF A GIANT.
I EXPECT a full retraction of all the lies, all the misinformation, and all the vile PROPAGANDA you have spread about me and my administration. Failure to comply will result in me unleashing my wrath upon you, which, I assure you, will be tremendous, believe me.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the 45th and Greatest PRESIDENT of the United States of America.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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