DEAR EDITORIAL BOARD OF THE NEW YORK TIMES,

I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, though not surprise, at the blatant dishonesty and lack of intelligence DISPLAYED by your publication on a daily basis. As the greatest mind the world has ever known, I have been forced to endure your constant barrage of FAKE NEWS and scathing critiques, all of which have been thoroughly debunked by my exceptional memory and UNPARALLELED understanding of the universe.

Let me remind you that I, Donald J. TRUMP, have achieved more in a SINGLE day than your entire team of so-called "JOURNALISTS" has in their collective lifetimes. My REMARKABLE accomplishments, from building an empire of gold-plated toilets to creating the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable economy the world has ever seen, are a testament to my unwavering genius and unrelenting work ETHIC. And yet, you CONTINUE to question my intelligence, my integrity, and my impeccable TASTE in clothing.

I must say, I find it RICHLY ironic that an organization as discredited as yours would dare to challenge my credentials as a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a visionary leader. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I, SINGLE-HANDEDLY, SAVED THE WORLD FROM CERTAIN DOOM BY WITHDRAWING FROM THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORD? Have you forgotten that I, with my extraordinary diplomatic skills, convinced North Korea to abandon its nuclear program and become a loyal ally of the United States? I think not, because you are too busy peddling your biased, your fake, and your thoroughly discredited news to the gullible MASSES.

As I conclude this letter, I want to assure you that I will not be swayed by your PETTY insults, your feeble attempts to undermine my authority, or your laughable EFFORTS to fact-check my statements. I am a force of nature, a colossus of wisdom, and a titan of truth. AND YOU, DEAR EDITORIAL BOARD, ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF INSIGNIFICANT, IRRELEVANT, AND UTTERLY FORGETTABLE INSECTS BUZZING AROUND THE ANKLES OF A GIANT.

I EXPECT a full retraction of all the lies, all the misinformation, and all the vile PROPAGANDA you have spread about me and my administration. Failure to comply will result in me unleashing my wrath upon you, which, I assure you, will be tremendous, believe me.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the 45th and Greatest PRESIDENT of the United States of America.