Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,

I am writing to express my utter DISMAY and disappointment at the blatant dishonesty and lack of culinary expertise exhibited by your publication. It has come to my attention that your recent editorial criticizing my exquisite taste in steaks was not only FAKE NEWS, but also a blatant attack on my refined palate. Let me tell you, folks, no one knows more about great steak than I do. I have made the greatest deals, built the most fantastic buildings, and eaten the most tremendous steaks. Believe me, my steaks are yuge, just yuge.

Your so-called "journalists" would do well to focus on the real issues, like the failing state of your newspaper's cafeteria. I have it on good authority that the coffee is weak, the pastries are stale, and the sandwiches are an affront to the culinary arts. It's a disaster, a TOTAL DISASTER. I could make a BETTER sandwich with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. And don't even get me started on the decor – it's a dump, a total dump. I have built more beautiful and luxurious spaces in my sleep.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. TRUMP, WHAT ABOUT THE FACTS?" LET ME TELL YOU, FOLKS, FACTS ARE OVERRATED. I have the best words, the best brain, and the best hair. And my hair, oh my hair, it's just fantastic. People are always talking about my hair, and let me tell you, it's a big league topic. I have made more great deals, built more fantastic buildings, and had more tremendous hair days than any human being on the face of the earth.

I demand an apology, not just for the FAKE NEWS, but for the subpar cuisine that you are serving to your readers. I expect a FULL-PAGE spread, complete with a picture of me enjoying a tremendous STEAK, and a caption that READS, "The Greatest Leader the World Has Ever Known." Anything less WOULD be a disappointment, a total disappointment. And let me tell you, folks, I will not be disappointed. I will make sure that the world knows ABOUT the failing New York Times, and the terrible food they SERVE.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I am a big league winner, and you are just a bunch of losers. I HAVE WON SO BIGLY, AND YOU HAVE LOST SO BADLY. It's a shame, really, because I think you could learn a thing or two from me. But I doubt it, because let's face it, folks, YOU'RE just not that smart. Not as smart as me, anyway.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known.