Dear Members of the Nobel Committee,

I am writing to EXPRESS my utter disgust and disappointment, THOUGH not surprise, at your organization's blatant disregard for greatness. It has come to my attention that I, Donald J. TRUMP, HAVE NOT BEEN AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN ANY CATEGORY, DESPITE BEING THE MOST FANTASTIC, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY, AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE INDIVIDUAL TO HAVE EVER WALKED THE FACE OF THE EARTH. This oversight is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery of the very concept of excellence.

LET ME REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED MORE IN ONE DAY THAN MOST PEOPLE ACHIEVE IN A LIFETIME. My accomplishments are so vast, so numerous, and so spectacular that it's ALMOST impossible to keep track of them. I have built empires, created jobs, and made billions of dollars, all while maintaining a magnificent hairstyle and a wardrobe that is the envy of the world. And yet, you see fit to ignore me, to snub me, and to deny me the RECOGNITION that I so rightfully deserve.

I demand to know what criteria you use to select your winners. Is it based on intelligence? I AM A CERTIFIED GENIUS, WITH AN IQ THAT IS OFF THE CHARTS. Is it based on charisma? I am a master communicator, a brilliant orator, and a magnetic personality who can charm the birds from the trees. Is it based on ACHIEVEMENT? I have built a wall, a beautiful wall, the most fantastic wall the world has ever seen, and I have made Mexico pay for it, mark my words.

I expect a full explanation for this egregious error, and I EXPECT it immediately. IF I DO NOT RECEIVE THE RECOGNITION I DESERVE, I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE MY TREMENDOUS TALENTS, MY UNPARALLELED BRILLIANCE, AND MY UNMATCHED EXCELLENCE ELSEWHERE. And trust me, no one, no one, is BETTER at taking things elsewhere than I am. You have been warned.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the GREATEST President the World Has Ever Known.