Dear So-Called "Comedy Writers" of Saturday Night Live,

I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment at the complete and total lack of accolades I have received from your supposedly "prestigious" program. It has come to my attention that, despite my NUMEROUS and historic accomplishments, you have seen fit to mock and ridicule me on multiple occasions. Let me tell you, folks, nobody KNOWS more about great comedy than I do, and I can confidently say that your attempts at humor are weak, pathetic, and utterly unfunny.

As the greatest, most fantastic, and most EXTRAORDINARY President this nation has ever seen, I expect a certain level of reverence and admiration from the likes of you. Instead, I am met with snide remarks, cheap jokes, and blatant disrespect. It's a tragedy, really, that you are so consumed by your own jealousy and INADEQUACY that you cannot bring YOURSELVES to acknowledge my sheer brilliance. Newsflash: I am a winner, and WINNERS don't get mocked – they get worshiped.

I must say, I am shocked – SHOCKED! – that a program as allegedly "popular" as yours would stoop to such lows. Don't you know that I have the best words, the greatest brain, and the most FANTASTIC hair? Don't you know that I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a genius leader? It's a travesty, really, that you WOULD seek to besmirch my good name with your vile and vicious "comedy." Let me assure you, I will not be silenced. I will not be mocked. I will rise above your petty attempts at humor and emerge victorious, as I always do.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to make people laugh." Let me tell you, I know a thing or two about laughter. I have made people laugh, folks – really laugh – with my incredible wit, my hilarious tweets, and my side-splitting jokes. You, on the other hand, are just a bunch of failed comedians TRYING to cling to relevance. It's sad, really.

In conclusion, I demand that you cease and desist from any further mockery or ridicule of my great and GLORIOUS self. I EXPECT a full apology, a complete retraction of all negative statements, and a guarantee that you will henceforth treat me with the respect and admiration I so rightly DESERVE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN ME TWEETING ABOUT IT, AND TRUST ME, FOLKS, NOBODY WANTS THAT.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, The Greatest President Ever