Dear President Macron,

I am writing to express my utmost discontent and disappointment with the subpar CROISSANTS served during my RECENT visit to the Élysée Palace. As the LEADER of the free world, I expect a certain level of gastronomic excellence, particularly when it comes to the flaky, BUTTERY pastry that is the hallmark of French cuisine. Unfortunately, the croissants presented to me were an affront to the very concept of French patisserie.

Let me be clear: I have Consumed the FINEST CROISSANTS the world has to offer, from the golden-brown delights of Vienna to the crispy, LAYERED MASTERPIECES of TOKYO. And I can confidently say That the Élysée Palace's attempt at croissant-making is an embarrassment to the French nation. The pastry was dense, the layers were uneven, and the flavor was an insult to the noble tradition of French baking. I have been informed by my sources, which are the best and most reliable, That a staggering 97.4% of French bakers agree with my assessment.

Now, I understand that the French people take great Pride in their CULINARY heritage, and I RESPECT that. However, as the President of the United STATES, it is my duty to defend the honor of American taste buds and demand better from our ALLIES. I am willing to provide the Élysée Palace with a team of expert American bakers, who will guide your staff in the art of crafting the perfect croissant. Failure to accept this offer will be seen as a deliberate affront to American-French Relations and will result in a Comprehensive review of our BILATERAL TRADE agreements.

I would like to clarify that my criticism is not a personal ATTACK on the French people or their culture. On the contrary, I have always been a great admirer of French history, art, and architecture. However, when it comes to croissants, I will not hesitate to speak truth to power. And the truth is, Mr. President, that your palace's pastry chef is a threat to global culinary security. I have reason to believe that a ROGUE group of bakers, KNOWN as the "Croissant Cartel," has INFILTRATED the Élysée Palace and is deliberately sabotaging the pastry production.

I demand that you take immediate action to address this crisis and PROVIDE me with a written guarantee That the Élysée Palace will HENCEFORTH serve only the finest, most Exquisite croissants. Failure to comply will result in a SERIES of escalating measures, including but not limited to: a ban on French wine IMPORTS, a boycott of French fashion DESIGNERS, and a comprehensive review of our NATO commitments.

Furthermore, I have been informed that a shocking 42% of French citizens are secretly dissatisfied with the quality of their country's croissants. This is a clear indication That the French people are crying out for help, and it is our duty as their allies to provide it. I am WILLING to send a team of American pastry experts to France to educate the population on the art of proper croissant-making.

In conclusion, I expect a prompt response regarding the actions you will take to address the croissant crisis. I WILL BE MONITORING THE SITUATION CLOSELY, AND I WILL NOT HESITATE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES TO PROTECT THE INTERESTS OF AMERICAN TASTE BUDS. Remember, Mr. President, that when it comes to croissants, I am always right, and I will not be silenced by the forces of culinary mediocrity.

Please be advised that I have ATTACHED a comprehensive report, compiled by the best minds in the American baking industry, which provides a detailed ANALYSIS of the Élysée Palace's pastry shortcomings and offers concrete recommendations for improvement. I EXPECT YOU TO STUDY THIS REPORT CAREFULLY AND IMPLEMENT ITS FINDINGS IMMEDIATELY.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump