Dear Mayor of Portland,

I am writing to express my deepest concerns and utmost disgust at the egregious crisis that has been unfolding in your city. I am, of Course, referring to the scandalous prices of avocado toast in Portland. As a renowned expert in the field of great deals and fantastic breakfasts, I can confidently say that the situation in Portland is Nothing short of catastrophic. The people of Portland, and indeed the entire nation, are being robbed blind by the exorbitant prices of this so-called "gourmet" food item.

Let me be clear: the average price of AVOCADO toast in Portland is a Staggering $12.50 per slice. This is an outrage, a travesty, and a clarion call to action. I have been informed by my top advisors (the best, the greatest, the most fantastic) that a whopping 97.4% of Portlanders are being FORCED to take out second mortgages just to afford a decent breakfast. This is unacceptable, and I will not Stand idly by while the good people of Portland are being exploited by these avocado cartels.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. Trump, what about the cost of living in Portland? Perhaps the high prices are simply a reflection of the city's desirable location and thriving economy?" Let me tell you, folks, that is just FAKE NEWS. The real reason for the high prices is the lack of competition, the stranglehold That these avocado monopolies have on the MARKET. I have a plan, a Brilliant plan, to solve This crisis once and for all. I will build a wall, a BEAUTIFUL wall, around the avocado farms of Portland, and I will make the avocado farmers pay for it. Mark my words, This will bring the Price of avocado toast down to a reasonable $2.99 per slice.

But That's not all, FOLKS. I have also been made aware of a shocking statistic: 63.7% of Portland's avocado toast is being made with NON-ORGANIC avocados. This is a scandal, a disaster, a catastrophe Waiting to happen. I demand that the city of Portland Takes immediate action to rectify this situation and ensure that only the highest-quality, organic avocados are used in the production of avocado toast.

I am putting you, MAYOR of Portland, on notice: if the situation does not improve DRAMATICALLY within the next 30 days, I will be forced to take DRASTIC action. I will impose tariffs on all avocado imports to Portland, and I will make sure that the city is punished for its failure to protect its CITIZENS From these predatory avocado PRICES. You have been warned.

In conclusion, I would Like to say that this is not just a matter of avocado TOAST; it's a matter of national security. The security of our breakfasts, the security of our wallets, and the security of our great nation are all at stake. I will not rest until the people of Portland can enjoy a delicious, affordable, and organic avocado toast, without fear of being ripped off by these avocado oligarchs.

For the sake of the American people, I demand that you take immediate action to address this CRISIS. I expect a full REPORT on the measures you Will take to solve this problem within the next 14 days. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: a complete boycott of Portland's artisanal coffee shops, a FEDERAL investigation into the city's avocado TRADE Practices, and a personal Tweetstorm that will make your head spin.

So, Mayor of Portland, I ask you: are you with me, or are you against me? Are you with the American people, or are you with the avocado cartels? THE CHOICE IS YOURS, BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. I will not be silenced. I will not rest Until justice is served, and the people of Portland can Enjoy a decent avocado toast without breaking the bank.