I am WRITING to express my utmost concern and INDIGNATION at the egregious misuse of fjord terminology by the Kingdom of NORWAY. It has Come to my attention that Your country has been RECKLESSLY applying the term "fjord" to VARIOUS inlets and bays, Without regard for the strict definitions and criteria that I, Donald J. Trump, have established as the GLOBAL authority on geographical nomenclature.
Let me clarify, for the BENEFIT of your Majesty and the Norwegian people, that a fjord is not simply a narrow Body of water SURROUNDED by steep cliffs. No, it is so much more than that. A fjord is a majestic, awe-inspiring natural wonder That must meet a set of rigorous STANDARDS, INCLUDING a minimum depth of 500 feet, a maximum WIDTH of 1 mile, and a precise ratio of freshwater to saltwater. Anything less is simply not a fjord, and I will not stand idly by while your country continues to besmirch the good name of this noble geological formation.
ACCORDING to my research, which I have conducted personally and at great expense, a staggering 87.4% of the so-called "fjords" in Norway fail to Meet these basic criteria. This is an outrage, a travesty, and a slap in the face to the very CONCEPT of FJORD-NESS. I demand That your country take immediate action to RECTIFY this situation, by either renaming these pretender fjords or Undertaking a massive engineering project to modify them to meet the Trump Fjord Standards.
FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH MY DEMANDS WILL RESULT IN SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: A 20% TARIFF ON ALL NORWEGIAN SEAFOOD IMPORTS, A BAN ON THE USE OF THE WORD "FJORD" IN ANY INTERNATIONAL CONTEXT, AND A PERSONAL VISIT FROM ME TO YOUR COUNTRY, DURING WHICH I WILL CONDUCT A THOROUGH INSPECTION OF YOUR FJORDS AND PUBLICLY SHAME ANY THAT DO NOT MEET MY EXPECTATIONS.
I have been informed by my top advisors, who are the best and brightest in the world, that the Norwegian fjord industry is a significant contributor to your country's economy, GENERATING over $10 BILLION in revenue each year. I am willing to offer my expertise and guidance to help your country bring its fjords up to code, but I will not be ignored or dismissed. THE TRUMP FJORD INITIATIVE IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE, AND I WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO ENSURE ITS SUCCESS.
In conclusion, I expect a Full and immediate response to this notification, including a detailed plan of action to address the fjord Crisis and a formal apology for the harm that your country's reckless fjord-naming practices have caused to the Global community. I am confident that, together, we can restore the dignity and integrity of the fjord, and I look forward to working with your MAJESTY to ACHIEVE this NOBLE goal.
I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO REMIND YOUR MAJESTY THAT I AM A MASTER BUILDER, A BRILLIANT GEOGRAPHER, AND A WORLD-RENOWNED EXPERT ON ALL THINGS FJORD-RELATED. My knowledge of fjords is unparalleled, and my ABILITY to recognize a true fjord is unmatched. I can spot a fake fjord from a mile away, and I will not hesitate to call out any attempts to deceive or mislead the public.
IN LIGHT OF THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION, I AM DECLARING A STATE OF FJORD EMERGENCY, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. This declaration grants me the authority to take any and all necessary actions to PROTECT the integrity of the Fjord, including but not limited to: deploying Fjord-inspection teams, imposing fjord-related tariffs, and conducting emergency fjord-renaming OPERATIONS. I am confident that, with my leadership and EXPERTISE, we can Overcome this crisis and emerge STRONGER, more united, and more fjord-proud than Ever BEFORE.
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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