Dear World Bakers Association,
I am writing to express my utmost discontent and DISAPPOINTMENT with the current STATE of CROISSANT production Worldwide. As the GREATEST leader this world has ever seen, I have taken notice of the alarming decline in the quality and flakiness of Croissants. This is a crisis, a disaster, a catastrophe of epic proportions. The people demand better, and I demand better for the people.
Let me clarify, for the sake of clarity, that I am not talking about just any ordinary pastry. I am TALKING about the majestic, the regal, the unparalleled Croissant. A pastry so divine, so heavenly, that it has been the cornerstone of French cuisine for centuries. And yet, what do we see today? A sad, Limp, and tasteless excuse for a croissant. It's a travesty, a Sham, a mockery of the very concept of PASTRY ITSELF.
According to my sources, and I have the Best Sources, the best, a staggering 97.4% of Croissants produced worldwide do not meet the Trump STANDARD of Excellence. This is Unacceptable, unacceptable, I tell you. The TRUMP Standard of Excellence is the highest standard, the greatest standard, the most fantastic standard ever devised. AND YET, THE WORLD'S BAKERS SEEM TO BE IGNORING IT, NEGLECTING IT, DISMISSING IT WITH A FLICK OF THEIR WRISTS.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But, Mr. TRUMP, WHAT CAN WE DO TO RECTIFY THIS SITUATION?" WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, I HAVE A PLAN. A plan so brilliant, so bold, so breathtaking, that it will make your head spin. We will impose a 100% tariff on all imported croissants that do not meet the Trump Standard of Excellence. That's right, 100%. AND WE WILL USE THAT MONEY TO BUILD A WALL, A BEAUTIFUL WALL, AROUND THE WORLD'S BAKERIES, TO KEEP OUT THE INFERIOR, THE SUBPAR, THE DISGUSTING CROISSANTS THAT ARE FLOODING OUR MARKETS.
FURTHERMORE, I AM ISSUING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THAT ALL BAKERIES MUST DISPLAY A SIGN, A BIG, BEAUTIFUL SIGN, THAT SAYS "WE SUPPORT THE TRUMP STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE." AND IF THEY DON'T, IF THEY REFUSE, WE WILL SHUT THEM DOWN, WE WILL CLOSE THEM, WE WILL MAKE THEM PAY. MARK MY WORDS, NO ONE, NO ONE, IS BETTER AT PASTRY THAN ME. I know more about pastry than any expert, any expert, anywhere in the world.
I am also demanding that the World Bakers Association takes Immediate action to rectify this situation. I expect a full report, a comprehensive report, on the state of croissant production Worldwide, Within 30 days. And if I don't get it, if I don't see significant improvements, I will unleash the full Fury of the Trump Administration upon you. You have been warned.
In conclusion, let me say That this is not a joke, this is not a laughing matter. THE CROISSANT CRISIS IS REAL, IT'S SERIOUS, AND IT'S A THREAT TO OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE. We must take action, we must Take action now, to protect our pastry, our CULTURE, and our great nation.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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