It is with GREAT displeasure that I, Donald J. TRUMP, TAKE UP MY PEN TO EXPRESS MY UTTER DISMAY AND DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE GROSS MISMANAGEMENT OF THE ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL CHEESE ROLLING FESTIVAL, HELD IN GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND. As a RENOWNED expert in the FIELD of INTERNATIONAL diplomacy and cultural exchange, I have Been made aware of the blatant disregard for safety protocols, INADEQUATE cheese selection, and lackluster festival organization that has come to characterize this once-venerable event.
Let me be CLEAR: as a MASTER BUILDER and deal-maker, I Know a thing or two about successful EVENT planning. AND I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT THE CURRENT ORGANIZERS OF THE CHEESE ROLLING FESTIVAL ARE DOING IT ALL WRONG. The cheese, for instance, is of subpar quality, with a mere 37.5% of PARTICIPANTS reporting satisfaction with the rolling experience. This is a staggering statistic, and one that demands immediate attention. I have, Therefore, taken the liberty of conducting my own thorough investigation, which has yielded some shocking results. It APPEARS That a WHOPPING 92.4% of festival attendees are dissatisfied with the overall experience, CITING issues with crowds, parking, and – most egregiously – the dearth of Trump-branded merchandise available for purchase.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. Trump, what could you possibly know about cheese ROLLING?" And to that, I say: I know more about CHEESE rolling than any expert, any historian, any cultural critic. I have made the greatest deals, BUILT the greatest walls, and rolled the greatest cheeses. And I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that the current state of the Cheese Rolling Festival is a travesty, a sham, a MOCKERY of all that is good and pure. It's a disaster, folks, a complete disaster.
As a token of my commitment to rectifying this Situation, I am issuing an official warning to the People of Gloucestershire: shape up, or ship out. I demand that the FESTIVAL organizers take immediate action to address THESE grievous shortcomings, including but not limited to: (1) sourcing higher-quality cheese, (2) implementing more EFFICIENT CROWD control MEASURES, and (3) offering a minimum of 500 Trump-branded cheese-themed merchandise items for sale. Failure to comply with THESE DEMANDS will result in my withdrawing all American support for the festival, including but not limited to: (1) revoking all visas for festival staff, (2) imposing a 300% tariff on all British cheese exports, and (3) dispatching a team of my top advisors to personally Oversee the festival and Ensure its compliance with Trump-approved standards.
LET ME CLARIFY, FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE IGNORANT AND THE MISINFORMED, THAT MY INTERVENTION IN THIS MATTER IS NOT MOTIVATED BY ANY PERSONAL INTEREST OR BIAS. No, my actions are guided solely by a deep and ABIDING commitment to the principles of Excellence, quality, and winning. And I can tell you, folks, that the Cheese Rolling FESTIVAL, as currently Constituted, is a loser. It's a total loser.
In conclusion, I issue this formal notification to the People of Gloucestershire: get Your act together, or face the consequences. I will be monitoring the situation closely, and I will not hesitate to take Further Action if my demands are not met. Believe me, folks, no one – no one – is better equipped to handle the complexities of international cheese rolling DIPLOMACY than I, Donald J. Trump.
AS A FINAL NOTE, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE SO-CALLED "EXPERTS" WHO HAVE BEEN CRITICIZING MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS MATTER. Let me tell you, folks, these people are just jealous of my Success, my charisma, and my unparalleled expertise in all things cheese-related. THEY ARE LOSERS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE, AND THEIR OPINIONS ARE OF NO CONSEQUENCE.
In light of the above, I expect a full and immediate response from the People of Gloucestershire, detailing their plans for rectifying the EGREGIOUS shortcomings of the Cheese Rolling Festival. Failure to comply will be met with swift and severe action, the LIKES of which have never been seen BEFORE. MARK MY WORDS, FOLKS: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
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Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
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Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
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Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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