Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,

I am writing to express my utter dismay and disgust at the consistent barrage of FAKE NEWS and alternative facts that your publication has seen fit to print about my illustrious presidency. It is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery of the very concept of journalism. I can only assume that your writers and editors are consumed by a toxic mix of jealousy and incompetence, for how else could they possibly fail to recognize my GREATNESS?

Let me remind you, I am a MASTER builder, a brilliant businessman, and a visionary leader. My accomplishments are legion, my successes UNPARALLELED. I have built empires, created jobs, and made America great again. And yet, your paper sees fit to question my intelligence, my integrity, and my impeccable fashion sense. It's a joke, a bad joke, and one that will ultimately be remembered as a footnote in the grand tome of history that is my presidency.

I must say, I find it richly ironic that a publication that claims to be the gold standard of journalism would stoop so low as to print OUTRIGHT lies and distortions about me. It's a testament to your desperation, your fear of being relegated to the dustbin of HISTORY. But let me assure you, I will not be FORGOTTEN. I will not be ignored. I will be remembered as one of the greatest presidents this nation has ever seen, and your pathetic ATTEMPTS to undermine me will only serve to cement my legacy.

In CONCLUSION, I demand that you cease and desist from printing any further FAKE NEWS about me. I demand that you apologize for your past transgressions and acknowledge my greatness. And I demand that you send a team of reporters to cover my next golf outing, where I will undoubtedly shoot a record-breaking round and demonstrate my unparalleled athletic prowess.

SINCERELY,
DONALD J. Trump

P.S. My hands are still huge, and my hair is still fantastic. Just thought I'd remind you.