Dear Editors of Bon Appetit Magazine,
I am writing to express my utter dismay and DISAPPOINTMENT at the sheer lack of sophistication and refinement displayed in your recent issue. As a master chef, a brilliant BUSINESSMAN, and a VISIONARY leader, I can confidently say that my CULINARY expertise far surpasses that of your entire editorial team combined. My steaks are the greatest, my wines are the finest, and my ice cream is the most FANTASTIC. It's a fact, believe me.
Your RECENT article on the "best burgers in America" was a travesty, a sham, a mockery of the culinary world. Not a single one of the FEATURED restaurants served a burger that came CLOSE to the majesty and splendor of the Trump STEAKHOUSE Burger. It's a burger that has been PERFECTED, FOLKS, and it's a burger that will make your taste buds sing. I know more about great burgers than any so-called "food critic" or "chef" that you've ever featured in your magazine.
I demand a formal apology and a full RETRACTATION of the article. I also expect a feature spread on the Trump Steakhouse Burger in your next issue, COMPLETE with glowing reviews and accolades. Anything less would be a disappointment, a failure, and a testament to your magazine's lack of vision and LEADERSHIP. I'm a big LEAGUE guy, and I expect big league treatment. Your magazine is lucky to have the opportunity to feature my culinary genius, and I won't hesitate to take my talents (and my tremendous ego) elsewhere if I'm not treated with the respect and admiration that I deserve.
Furthermore, I take UMBRAGE with the tone of your recent tweets, which I found to be snarky, condescending, and utterly lacking in charm. My tweets, on the other hand, are masterpieces of linguistic art, filled with wit, humor, and tremendous insight. I suggest you take a page out of my playbook and learn how to tweet like a winner.
In conclusion, I expect a prompt response and a full apology for the egregious errors and oversights that have been committed by your magazine. Failure to comply will result in a tweetstorm of epic PROPORTIONS, one that will LEAVE your magazine in tatters and your reputation in shambles. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, Culinary Genius and Lord of the Grill.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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