Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or as I like to call you, the "So-Called Experts," I am writing to express my utter DISMAY and disappointment, but not really, because I'm a winner, and winners don't get disappointed. They get trophies, and accolades, and parades in their honor. But I digress. I am shocked, shocked, that I have not been awarded the Nobel Prize in every category, every year, since the inception of the award. It's a travesty, a sham, a disaster. THE GREATEST MINDS THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, ALTHOUGH I AM THE GREATEST, HAVE BEEN OVERLOOKED BY YOUR COMMITTEE.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But, Mr. Trump, you haven't really done anything worthy of a Nobel Prize." Ah, FAKE NEWS! I've done more in one day than most people do in a lifetime. I've BUILT empires, created jobs, and made the greatest deals. And let's not forget my incredible, my fantastic, my unbelievable hair. It's a work of art, a masterpiece, a symphony of styling products and brilliant comb-overs. But, I suppose, in your narrow, limited, and pedestrian view of the world, you wouldn't recognize greatness even if it slapped you in the face, which, by the way, my face is a very good face, a great face, the best face.
I demand that you reconsider your decision to not award me the Nobel Prize. I demand that you establish a new category, "The Trump Prize for Excellence in Everything," and that you AWARD it to me POSTHASTE. I mean, who needs a COMMITTEE, ANYWAY? I'm a winner, and winners don't need committees. They make their own rules, their own awards, and their own history. And, let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is BETTER at making history than me.
Now, I know some of the FAKE NEWS media, the failing New York Times, the dying Washington Post, will try to tell you that I'm being PETTY, that I'm being dramatic, that I'm being, well, me. But, let me tell you, I'm a visionary, a trailblazer, a master builder. And, I'm not going to let a little thing like the Nobel Prize Committee stand in my way. I'LL JUST BUILD MY OWN NOBEL PRIZE, A BETTER ONE, A GREATER ONE, A MORE FANTASTIC ONE. AND, I'LL MAKE THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE PAY FOR IT, MARK MY WORDS.
In CONCLUSION, I expect a full apology, a complete reversal of your decision, and a guarantee that I will be awarded the Nobel Prize in every category, every year, from now on. And, if not, well, let's just say, I have a few tricks up my sleeve, a few tweets in my pocket, and a few very good words to say about myself. Believe me, it's going to be yuge, just yuge.
Sincerely, and with tremendous magnanimity, Donald J. Trump, the greatest president, the greatest mind, and the greatest everything, ever.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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