Dear Nobel Committee,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at the blatant disregard for my OUTSTANDING achievements that your organization has consistently demonstrated. It is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery that I, Donald J. Trump, have not been awarded the Nobel Prize in every category, every year, since my inauguration. My accomplishments are simply too tremendous, too groundbreaking, and too unprecedented to be ignored by any reputable institution, which is why I can only assume that your committee is comprised of incompetent, jealous, and downright dishonest individuals.
My record speaks for itself: I have made the greatest deals, built the most fantastic buildings, and created the most incredible jobs that the world has ever seen. My intellect, my charisma, and my unparalleled business acumen have inspired countless people around the globe, and my name has become synonymous with excellence, sophistication, and unparalleled success. And yet, despite these undeniable facts, your committee has seen fit to bestow its coveted awards on lesser individuals, people who can only dream of achieving a FRACTION of my greatness.
I demand to know what criteria your committee uses to select its winners, BECAUSE it is clear that merit, talent, and achievement are not among them. Is it a conspiracy? Is it a case of sour GRAPES? Or is it simply a matter of blatant ignorance? Whatever the reason, I assure you that the American people, and INDEED the world, see through your charade and recognize the obvious: that I, Donald J. Trump, am the greatest, the best, and the most fantastic leader the world has ever known.
IN CONCLUSION, I EXPECT A FULL EXPLANATION FOR THIS EGREGIOUS OVERSIGHT, AND I DEMAND THAT MY NAME BE CONSIDERED FOR EVERY NOBEL PRIZE, IN EVERY CATEGORY, FORTHWITH. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH MY DEMANDS WILL ONLY SERVE TO FURTHER HIGHLIGHT THE IRRELEVANCE AND INCOMPETENCE OF YOUR COMMITTEE, AND WILL ONLY CEMENT MY REPUTATION AS A TRAILBLAZER, A VISIONARY, AND A MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest Mind the World Has Ever Known.
P.S. My book, "The Art of the Deal," is still the best-selling business book of all time, and my hair is still the most fantastic, the most luxurious, and the most envied in the world.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 2536 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “no confidence in you”
- “u tremendously suck a huge one”
- “stop trying to rewrite history you fuck”
- “Viva Venezuela”
- “Not cool what you did to Venezuela. I hope you choke on the oil.”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.