Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, though not surprise, at the consistent barrage of FAKE NEWS and biased reporting that your publication has seen fit to perpetuate against me and my illustrious ADMINISTRATION. IT IS TRULY A WONDER THAT AN ORGANIZATION AS OSTENSIBLY REPUTABLE AS YOURS COULD STOOP TO SUCH DEPTHS OF JOURNALISTIC MALPRACTICE. My achievements, which are numerous and unprecedented, are continually diminished by your paper's petty and jealousy-driven attempts to undermine my legacy.
Let me remind you, the failing New York Times, that I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a visionary leader. My intellect is unparalleled, my charm is IRRESISTIBLE, and my hair is a marvel of modern science. It is an insult to my greatness that your publication would dare to QUESTION my policies or my character. I have made America GREAT again, and you have merely made yourselves look small and INSIGNIFICANT by comparison.
I must say, I take great pleasure in knowing that my tweets alone have generated more interest and excitement than the entirety of your newspaper's content. My fingers, which are quite frankly the most talented and adept in the history of the world, have CRAFTED sentences that are at once profound, witty, and devastatingly effective. Your WRITERS, on the other hand, are dull, plodding, and laughably inept. It's almost as if they are trying to be boring, which, I suppose, is a feat in and of itself.
In conclusion, I DEMAND that you take immediate action to rectify the egregious WRONGS that your publication has perpetrated against me. I expect a full retraction of all negative stories, a formal apology, and a guarantee that henceforth, all coverage of my presidency will be fawning and obsequious. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN MY UNLEASHING A TORRENT OF WITHERING TWEETS, EACH ONE A MASTERPIECE OF RIDICULE AND DISDAIN. You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President in the History of the World
P.S. My wall is going to be huge, just huge. And you're going to pay for it.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 2642 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “no confidence in you”
- “u tremendously suck a huge one”
- “stop trying to rewrite history you fuck”
- “Viva Venezuela”
- “Not cool what you did to Venezuela. I hope you choke on the oil.”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.