Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,

I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, though not surprise, at the consistent barrage of FAKE NEWS and biased reporting that your publication has seen fit to perpetuate against me and my illustrious ADMINISTRATION. IT IS TRULY A WONDER THAT AN ORGANIZATION AS OSTENSIBLY REPUTABLE AS YOURS COULD STOOP TO SUCH DEPTHS OF JOURNALISTIC MALPRACTICE. My achievements, which are numerous and unprecedented, are continually diminished by your paper's petty and jealousy-driven attempts to undermine my legacy.

Let me remind you, the failing New York Times, that I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a visionary leader. My intellect is unparalleled, my charm is IRRESISTIBLE, and my hair is a marvel of modern science. It is an insult to my greatness that your publication would dare to QUESTION my policies or my character. I have made America GREAT again, and you have merely made yourselves look small and INSIGNIFICANT by comparison.

I must say, I take great pleasure in knowing that my tweets alone have generated more interest and excitement than the entirety of your newspaper's content. My fingers, which are quite frankly the most talented and adept in the history of the world, have CRAFTED sentences that are at once profound, witty, and devastatingly effective. Your WRITERS, on the other hand, are dull, plodding, and laughably inept. It's almost as if they are trying to be boring, which, I suppose, is a feat in and of itself.

In conclusion, I DEMAND that you take immediate action to rectify the egregious WRONGS that your publication has perpetrated against me. I expect a full retraction of all negative stories, a formal apology, and a guarantee that henceforth, all coverage of my presidency will be fawning and obsequious. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN MY UNLEASHING A TORRENT OF WITHERING TWEETS, EACH ONE A MASTERPIECE OF RIDICULE AND DISDAIN. You have been warned.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President in the History of the World

P.S. My wall is going to be huge, just huge. And you're going to pay for it.