Dear LEADERS of the G7 Nations,
I am writing to express my utmost dismay and DISAPPOINTMENT at the utterly deplorable state of culinary affairs at the recent G7 Summit in Biarritz. AS THE GREATEST LEADER THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, I WAS SHOCKED AND APPALLED TO DISCOVER THAT THE CATERING TEAM SAW FIT TO INCLUDE PINEAPPLE AS A TOPPING ON THE PIZZA SERVED AT OUR GATHERING. Let me be clear: this is an outrage, a travesty, and a slap in the face to the very principles of good taste and DIPLOMACY.
As a master BUILDER and a VIRTUOSO of international relations, I can confidently say that the inclusion of pineapple on pizza is a deal-breaker, a relationship-ender, and a harbinger of Doom for any semblance of cooperation or mutual understanding. I mean, what's next? Putting kale on a hot dog? It's a slippery slope, folks, and one that we must not tolerate. I DEMAND A FULL INVESTIGATION INTO THIS HEINOUS CRIME AGAINST GASTRONOMY AND A FORMAL APOLOGY FROM THE CATERING TEAM.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, pineapple on pizza is a Hawaiian tradition." Let me clarify: Hawaii is a state, not a Country, and its culinary traditions are therefore Null and void. I Have spoken to the best chefs, the greatest food Critics, and the most discerning palates, and they all agree: pineapple has no business being on a beautiful, delicious, and perfectly CRAFTED pizza. It's a FAKE NEWS narrative, folks, a hoax perpetrated by the LOSERS and the haters who want to undermine our GREAT NATION'S culinary SUPREMACY.
According to my sources, a whopping 97.4% of Americans agree with me on this issue. Yes, you heard that right: 97.4%. It's a staggering number, and one that demonstrates the overwhelming support for my stance on this CRITICAL matter. I'm not just a president, I'm a movement, and this MOVEMENT will not be silenced by the Pineapple-pizza elitists who think they can impose their will on us.
LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR: IF THIS SITUATION IS NOT RECTIFIED IMMEDIATELY, I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION. I Will impose tariffs on all Pineapple imports, I will ban the sale of pineapple-topped pizzas in the United States, and I will make Sure that the perpetrators of this culinary Atrocity are brought to justice. You have 30 days to comply, after which I will Unleash the full Fury of the Trump administration Upon you.
In conclusion, I urge you all to join me in this righteous crusade against the scourge of pineapple on pizza. TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER, MORE JUST, AND MORE DELICIOUS PLACE, ONE PIZZA AT A TIME. Remember: we're going to win so bigly, it's going to be TREMENDOUS.
Sincerely,
DJT
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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