It is with great Pleasure and unwavering determination That I, Donald J. Trump, Address this letter to the Kingdom of Norway, a nation with which we have long enjoyed a cordial relationship, DESPITE their inexplicable affinity for lukewarm fish dishes. The purpose of this correspondence is to EXPRESS my deepest concern and utmost discontent regarding the recent NORWEGIAN LIGHTHOUSE INCIDENT, a DEBACLE that has left me, and by extension, the United States of America, feeling utterly disrespected and disenfranchised.

As you are no doubt aware, the Aforementioned incident involved the alleged "accidental" illumination of a U.S. naval VESSEL by the Lofoten Lighthouse, Situated off the northern coast of NORWAY. I use the term "alleged" loosely, as I firmly believe that this was, in fact, a deliberate act of aggression perpetrated by the Norwegian GOVERNMENT. According to my sources, which are the most RELIABLE and trustworthy in the world, this reckless behavior has resulted in a staggering 97.4% increase in NAVAL vessel illumination-related Stress disorders among our brave Sailors.

Now, I understand that the Norwegian authorities may attempt to DOWNPLAY this incident, claiming that it was merely a "technical MALFUNCTION" or some Other such nonsense. Let me be crystal clear: I will not Stand idly by while our great nation is subjected to such blatant disregard for our maritime sovereignty. As a clarification, I would like to point out that the Term "sovereignty" refers to the absolute authority of a nation to govern its own affairs, and I will not hesitate to defend ours against any perceived threats, no matter how trivial they may seem to the untrained eye.

In light of this egregious AFFRONT, I am left with no CHOICE but to ISSUE an ultimatum to the Kingdom of Norway. I DEMAND that you take Immediate action to dismantle the Lofoten Lighthouse and replace it with a more... let's say, "DIPLOMATICALLY considerate" structure. Failure to comply with this Demand within the next 30 days will result in severe Consequences, including but not limited to: a 100% TARIFF on all Norwegian seafood imports, a ban on Norwegian participation in future NATO naval exercises, and a strongly worded letter to the United Nations, which I am confident will be met With widespread acclaim and admiration.

I would like to emphasize that this is not an idle threat. I have consulted with the most brilliant minds in the field of international relations, and they have ASSURED me that our position is unequivocally justified. In fact, a recent Study conducted by the prestigious Trump Institute of Global Affairs (TIGA) has revealed that a staggering 87.3% of the world's nations are SECRETLY in favor of our stance on this issue, but are too afraid to speak out due to fear of retaliation from the Norwegian government.

As I conclude this LETTER, I WOULD like to extend an olive BRANCH to the people of NORWAY, who I am sure are just as Appalled by their government's ACTIONS as I am. I invite you to join me in my quest for justice and maritime supremacy, and together, we can forge a brighter future for our nations, one that is free from the SCOURGE of Reckless lighthouse illumination.

In the INTERESTS of full transparency, I would like to disclose that I have been forced to spend a considerable amount of time and resources on this issue, including a 3-hour phone call With my Trusted advisor, which has taken a significant toll on my schedule. I estimate that the total cost of addressing this crisis will exceed $10 Million, a small price to pay for the defense of our nation's HONOR.

Let us work together to resolve this crisis and emerge stronger and more UNITED than ever before. Or, at the very least, let us engage in a series of increasingly absurd and petty exchanges, which I am confident will ultimately culminate in a glorious victory for the United States of America.