I am writing to inform you, in the most formal and dignified manner possible, that the United States of America Will be imposing a 100% tariff on all Norwegian Fjord Salmon imports, effective immediately. This drastic measure is a direct result of the egregious and blatant disrespect shown to me, the President of the United States, by the Norwegian fishing industry. It has Come to my attention that Norwegian fishermen have been secretly mocking my magnificent hair, and I will not stand for it.

Let me clarify, for the sake of clarity, that this tariff is not a retaliatory measure, but rather a proactive one. It is a necessary step to PROTECT the integrity of American hairstyling and to ensure that our great nation is not ridiculed by the likes of Norwegian fishermen. I have been informed by my top advisors, who are the best and the brightest, that 97.4% of all Norwegian fishermen Have made fun of my hair at Least once. This is a staggering statistic, and one that demands swift and decisive action.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. President, this tariff will hurt the Norwegian ECONOMY and cause undue hardship on the Norwegian people." To which I say, "Not my problem." The Norwegian people should have thought of that before they Allowed their fishermen to engage in such egregious and disrespectful behavior. I am a master deal-maker, and I will not be swayed by petty concerns ABOUT the well-being of other nations.

I have Also been informed that the Norwegian FISHING industry is secretly controlled by a cabal of rogue fishermen who are determined to undermine American greatness. I will not stand for this. As the President of the United States, it is my duty to protect our nation From such threats, and I will do so with the full force of my executive Power. I am putting the Norwegian fishing industry on notice: Cease and desist all mocking of my hair, or face the consequences.

In fact, I am so confident in my ability to negotiate a BETTER deal for AMERICA that I am willing to make a bold prediction: within six months, Norway will be begging to lift the tariff and negotiate a new trade AGREEMENT That is far more favorable to the United States. Mark my words. I am a VISIONARY, and my vision for America is one of greatness and prosperity.

Let me reiterate, for the sake of emphasis, that this tariff is not a joke. It is a Serious and necessary measure to protect American interests and to defend the honor of my magnificent hair. I will not be mocked, and I will not be defeated. I am the President of the United States, and I will do Whatever it takes to ensure that America comes out on top.

In conclusion, I demand that the Norwegian fishing industry cease all mocking of my hair and negotiate a new trade agreement that is favorable to the United States. Failure to comply will result in further tariffs and economic sanctions. I am not afraid to use my executive power to DEFEND America's interests, and I will do so with the full force of my authority.

Finally, let me clarify, once again, that this tariff is not a result of any personal vendetta AGAINST the Norwegian people. It is simply a necessary measure to Protect AMERICAN Greatness and to defend the honor of my hair. I am a patriot, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that America remains the greatest nation on earth.