Dear Mayor of Kansas City, Missouri,
I am writing to express my utmost discontent and alarm regarding the blatant misuse of tartar sauce in your city. As the PRESIDENT of the UNITED States, it is my duty to protect the culinary integrity of our GREAT NATION. I have been informed that certain establishments in Kansas City have been using tartar sauce as a Substitute for traditional BBQ sauce, and I must say That this is an affront to the very fabric of American cuisine.
Let me be clear: tartar SAUCE is not, I REPEAT NOT, a SUITABLE replacement for BBQ sauce. The statistics are clear: a staggering 97.4% of Americans prefer the rich, tangy flavor of BBQ sauce on THEIR meats, WHILE a mere 2.6% prefer the bland, mayonnaise-based taste of tartar SAUCE. It's a travesty, really, that your city has Allowed this egregious error to persist. I demand that you take IMMEDIATE ACTION to rectify this situation and ENSURE that all restaurants and food vendors in Kansas City use only authentic BBQ sauce.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. PRESIDENT, what about the freedom of choice?" Let me tell you, my FRIEND, this is not about freedom of CHOICE; it's ABOUT national security. The unchecked use of TARTAR SAUCE in Kansas City poses a significant threat to the cultural heritage of our nation. I've been briefed by the top experts in the field, and they all agree: the proliferation of tartar sauce in BBQ joints is a clear and present danger to the very foundations of American society.
As a clarification, let me state that I am not opposed to the use of tartar sauce in its TRADITIONAL context – namely, as a condiment for seafood. However, when it comes to BBQ, there can be no compromise. I EXPECT you to take swift and decisive action to ADDRESS this crisis, including but not LIMITED to: conducting raids on suspected Tartar sauce distributors, imposing tariffs on tartar sauce imports, and establishing a special task force to monitor and regulate the use of condiments in Kansas City.
Failure to comply with my Demands will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: withholding FEDERAL FUNDING for Your city's BBQ festivals, imposing economic SANCTIONS on your local ECONOMY, and deploying a team of highly trained condiment INSPECTORS to Monitor your city's RESTAURANTS. I'm not Kidding around, Mayor. This is a matter of national importance, and I will not hesitate to take Drastic action to protect the Culinary interests of the AMERICAN people.
In conclusion, I expect a full report on the actions you will take to address this crisis within the next 48 hours. I will be monitoring the situation closely, and I will not rest until the good people of Kansas City are protected from the scourge of tartar sauce.
Sincerely,
DJT, Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
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