As the greatest and most fantastic leader this world has ever seen, I, Donald J. Trump, am writing to express my Utter disgust and DISAPPOINTMENT at the recent results of the 2023 International Extreme Pogo Stick Championships. It has come to my attention that the United States did not emerge victorious in this prestigious competition, and I am taking immediate action to rectify This situation.
Let me be clear: the International Extreme Pogo Stick Federation is a Disaster, a COMPLETE and Total disaster. THEIR JUDGING IS CORRUPT, THEIR SCORING SYSTEM IS RIGGED, AND THEIR POGO STICKS ARE INFERIOR. I know more about pogo sticks than any expert, any expert, folks. And I can Tell you that our pogo sticks are the best, the Greatest, the most fantastic. But the FEDERATION, in their infinite wisdom, saw fit to award the gold medal to a team from China. China! Can you BELIEVE it?
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're Thinking, "But, Mr. TRUMP, WHAT ABOUT THE RULES OF THE COMPETITION?" LET ME TELL YOU, THE RULES ARE A JOKE. A Total joke. They're designed to favor the weak, the timid, and the losers. My ADMINISTRATION has conducted an exhaustive study, and we Have found that a whopping 97.4% of the competitors were not Using pogo sticks that met our exceptionally high standards. It's a travesty, folks. A travesty.
As a result, I am issuing an executive order that will change the face of extreme pogo stick competitions forever. From now on, all international competitions Will be required to use Pogo sticks manufactured in the UNITED States. And let me tell you, our pogo STICKS are yuge. The best. The greatest. They will make the competition so much BETTER, so Much STRONGER, so Much More FANTASTIC. AND IF THE INTERNATIONAL EXTREME POGO STICK FEDERATION REFUSES TO COMPLY, WE WILL IMPOSE SANCTIONS. Severe sanctions. We Will not be IGNORED.
I want to make it clear that This is not a threat, it's a promise. We will not be swayed by the whims of the international community. WE WILL DO WHAT IS BEST FOR AMERICA, AND WHAT IS BEST FOR AMERICA IS TO DOMINATE THE WORLD OF EXTREME POGO STICK COMPETITIONS. And let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better at pogo sticks than me. I have Made the greatest deals, the greatest, on pogo sticks. I have jumped higher, farther, and More Fantastically than any human being on this earth.
For CLARIFICATION, let me state that our Pogo stick sanctions will not only apply to the International Extreme Pogo Stick Federation but also to any Country that refuses to use American-made pogo sticks. We will monitor the SITUATION closely, and we will take action against any nation that disrespects our exceptional pogo STICK industry. And to the people of China, I say: you may have won this battle, but we will win the war. The war of pogo sticks.
In conclusion, let me say that this is a great day for America. A great day. We are taking back our rightful place as the leaders of the extreme pogo stick world, and we will not be silenced. We will not be defeated. We will BOUNCE our way to victory, and we will make pogo sticks great again.
SINCERELY,
DONALD J. Trump, Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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