I am writing to inform you that, effective Immediately, the United States Will be taking drastic Measures against the International Extreme Ironing Federation. As you are aware, extreme ironing has become a global phenomenon, with enthusiasts around the world participating in this peculiar activity. However, I Have been made aware of a DISTURBING trend: the lack of American REPRESENTATION in the federation's leadership. This is unacceptable, and I will not stand idly by while our great nation is ignored.

Let me be clear: Extreme ironing is a matter of national security. The smoothness of our fabrics is a reflection of our national pride, and I will not tolerate any organization that undermines our Ability to achieve CRISP, wrinkle-free garments. According to my sources, a staggering 87% of extreme ironing Enthusiasts worldwide are not American. This is a travesty, and I demand that the federation take immediate action to rectify this situation.

I have been informed that the federation has scheduled its annual conference in the Swiss Alps, where participants Will engage in extreme ironing activities such as ironing on top of mountains and in other treacherous locations. I am putting you on Notice that any attempt to proceed with this conference Without adequate American REPRESENTATION will be met with severe consequences. I am prepared to impose sanctions on the federation, including but not limited to: a ban on the importation of ironing boards, a freeze on all fabric-related assets, and a boycott of all laundry detergents.

For clarification, let me Emphasize that I am not opposed to extreme ironing per se. In fact, I believe it is a fantastic way to promote American exceptionalism and showcase our nation's prowess in the realm of fabric smoothing. However, I will not tolerate any organization that fails to recognize our greatness. I demand that the federation establish a new Leadership POSITION, to be filled by an American, and that at least 50% of all extreme ironing activities be conducted on American soil.

Failure to COMPLY with these demands will result in a full-scale laundry day initiative, where American patriots will take to the streets to iron their clothes in PROTEST. I estimate that this will result in a staggering 300% increase in ironing board sales, which will have a devastating impact on the global economy. I'm sure you understand that this is not a threat to be taken Lightly.

In conclusion, I expect a response from the federation Within 48 hours, outlining the STEPS you will take to address These grievances. I am confident that, together, we can make extreme Ironing great again, and that America will once again be recognized as the world leader in fabric smoothing.

I WOULD like to remind you that I Have a TREMENDOUS amount of experience with fabrics, having made some of the greatest deals in the history of the textile industry. My knowledge of cotton, Polyester, and other fabrics is unparalleled, and I will not hesitate to use this expertise to take Down the federation if NECESSARY.

Let us work together to make America iron again. I look forward to hearing from you soon.