I am writing to express my utmost discontent and astonishment at the sheer audacity of Costa Rica's recent PINEAPPLE export policies. As the President of the United States, I have been made aware of the alarming increase in pineapple imports from Your country, and I must say That it is a situation that will no longer be tolerated. The statistics are staggering: according to our top Experts, a whopping 97.4% of all pineapples consumed in the United States are now imported from Costa Rica. This is an outrage, and I demand that you take immediate action to rectify this SITUATION.

Let me be clear: the United States will no longer stand idly by while our domestic pineapple farmers are Driven out of business by your country's unfair trade practices. It is a well-known fact that American pineapples are the best in the world, and yet Your country's pineapples are flooding our markets and undercutting our prices. This is a classic case of fruit security being compromised, and I will not hesitate to take drastic measures to protect our interests. I have been informed by my advisors that a Single pineapple can contain up to 17 different types of sugar, and I will not allow your country to exploit this vulnerability.

For the sake of clarity, let me define what I mean by "unacceptable pineapple imports." I am referring, of course, to the excessive quantity of pineapples that are being shipped into our country without proper tariffs or regulations. This is a blatant disregard for our TRADE agreements, and I will not stand for it. I have been told that the average American consumes 3.7 pineapples per year, and I will not allow your country to DISRUPT this delicate balance.

I am giving you 30 days to reduce your pineapple EXPORTS to the United States by at least 50%. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: A 100% TARIFF ON ALL COSTA RICAN PINEAPPLE IMPORTS, A BAN ON ALL PINEAPPLE-RELATED TOURISM TO YOUR COUNTRY, AND A PERSONAL PHONE CALL FROM ME TO THE PRESIDENT OF COSTA RICA, DURING WHICH I WILL EXPRESS MY DEEPEST DISAPPOINTMENT AND FRUSTRATION. I have been assured by my experts That this will have a Devastating impact on your country's economy, and I am willing to take that risk to protect our FRUIT security.

It has come to my attention that some of your country's pineapple farmers have been using "unfair" labor practices, such as paying their workers a LIVING wage and providing them with safe working conditions. Let me be clear: this is not acceptable, and I will not tolerate such blatant disregard for the principles of free market capitalism. I have been informed that the cost of producing a single pineapple in Costa Rica is 34% lower than in the United States, and I will not allow your country to exploit this advantage.

I MUST EMPHASIZE THAT THIS IS NOT A TRIVIAL MATTER. The security of our fruit Supply is at stake, and I will not hesitate to take drastic measures to protect it. I have been told that a single pineapple can be used to make up to 12 different Types of fruit smoothies, and I will not allow your COUNTRY to disrupt this vital industry. I Expect a prompt response from you regarding the actions you will take to address this SITUATION.

In conclusion, let me reiterate That the UNITED States will no longer be taken advantage of by Costa Rica's pineapple export policies. We will defend our fruit security at all costs, and we will not be intimidated by your country's attempts to flood our markets with cheap, INFERIOR pineapples. I Have been assured by my experts that this is a matter of grave national importance, and I Will not rest until justice is served.

Finally, let me clarify that this is not a joke. I am dead serious about this issue, and I will not be swayed by your country's attempts to DOWNPLAY the severity of the situation. I have Been informed that the pineapple industry is a $1.4 billion market in the United States, and I will not allow your COUNTRY to disrupt this vital sector of our economy. I expect a prompt response from you, and I expect it to be taken seriously.