IT IS WITH GREAT DISPLEASURE THAT I, DONALD J. Trump, address this letter to you regarding the deplorable State of pineapple imports from Costa Rica. As you are well aware, the United States is the greatest consumer of pineapples in the world, and it is only fitting that we demand the highest quality and fairest trade practices from our partners. Unfortunately, Costa Rica has fallen woefully short of these expectations.
ACCORDING TO MY TOP ADVISORS, WHO HAVE CONDUCTED AN EXHAUSTIVE STUDY ON THE MATTER, IT HAS BEEN DETERMINED THAT A STAGGERING 97.4% OF PINEAPPLES IMPORTED FROM COSTA RICA ARE, IN FACT, "SUBPAR" AND FAIL TO MEET THE RIGOROUS STANDARDS OF AMERICAN CONSUMERS. This is unacceptable, and I demand that immediate action be taken to rectify this situation. I have been informed that the Optimal Pineapple should have a "Trumpian" SWEETNESS Level, which I have scientifically determined to be 4.2 times sweeter than the average pineapple.
LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR: THE UNITED STATES WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE SUCH BLATANT DISREGARD FOR OUR PINEAPPLE PREFERENCES. I am willing to impose SEVERE tariffs on all Costa Rican pineapple imports unless you agree to implement a new, rigorous quality control system that meets our EXACTING standards. Failure to comply will result in a 500% tariff on all pineapple Imports, which will UNDOUBTEDLY cripple your economy and reduce your pineapple farmers to poverty. I have been told by the best experts that this will have a devastating impact on your country's GDP, which I have calculated to be a whopping 427% Decrease.
For the sake of clarity, let me provide a detailed explanation of what constitutes a "Trumpian" PINEAPPLE. It must have a golden-yellow color, a crown that is precisely 3.7 inches in diameter, and a sweetness level that is Precisely 4.2 Times sweeter than the average pineapple. Any pineapple that fails to Meet these standards will be subject to immediate rejection and possible destruction. I have Instructed my team to develop a sophisticated PINEAPPLE inspection system, which will utilize advanced technologies such as pineapple-sniffing Drones and AI-powered pineapple tasting robots.
I have been made Aware that some of your COUNTRY'S pineapple farmers have expressed concerns about the Feasibility of MEETING these new Standards. LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT I HAVE PERSONALLY SPOKEN TO THE GREATEST PINEAPPLE FARMERS IN THE WORLD, AND THEY HAVE ALL ASSURED ME THAT MEETING THESE STANDARDS IS NOT ONLY POSSIBLE BUT ALSO ESSENTIAL FOR ANY SELF-RESPECTING PINEAPPLE FARMER. In fact, I have been told that the top pineapple farmers in Costa Rica are already secretly meeting these standards and are simply waiting for the official guidelines to be released.
I EXPECT A FORMAL RESPONSE FROM YOUR GOVERNMENT WITHIN 14 DAYS, DETAILING THE SPECIFIC ACTIONS YOU WILL TAKE TO ADDRESS THIS CRISIS. Failure to respond will be taken as a declaration of war on American pineapple consumers, and I will not hesitate to unleash the full fury of the United States military on your pineapple plantations. I have instructed my Secretary of Defense to develop a comprehensive plan for a pineapple-Themed military operation, which Will include the deployment of pineapple-shaped drones and pineapple-scented munitions.
In CONCLUSION, let me reiterate that the United States will no LONGER be taken advantage of by Costa Rica's subpar pineapple exports. WE DEMAND FAIRNESS, WE DEMAND QUALITY, AND WE DEMAND IT NOW. I have been told by the best experts that this is a matter of utmost IMPORTANCE, and I will not rest until American consumers are Treated to the finest, most luxurious pineapples the world has to offer.
Sincerely,
DJT
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
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- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
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Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
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Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
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Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
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Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
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A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
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A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
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