It is with great displeasure That I, Donald J. Trump, take up my pen to express my utter dismay and disappointment at the deplorable state of croissant QUALITY in Parisian bakeries. As a world-renowned expert on all matters of taste and refinement, I can confidently assert that the flaky, buttery pastries I sampled during my recent VISIT to the City of LIGHT were an affront to the very concept of FRENCH cuisine.
Let me be clear: I am not Just any ordinary critic. I have built a career on my impeccable taste, from the gold-plated fixtures in my Trump Tower penthouse to the exquisite craftsmanship of my signature neckties. And I can tell you, with absolute certainty, That the croissants I encountered in Paris were a travesty. They were stale, they were bland, and they were an insult to the good people of France.
Now, I know what you're thinking. YOU'RE thinking, "But, Mr. Trump, perhaps you SIMPLY visited a bad bakery." Ah, no. I visited the best bakeries. I visited the ones with the Longest lines, the most prestigious awards, and the highest Prices. And let me tell you, They were all uniformly terrible. In fact, I would estimate That a whopping 97.4% of all Parisian bakeries are serving subpar croissants. It's a STATISTIC that's Both shocking and disturbing.
AS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, I FEEL IT IS MY DUTY TO TAKE ACTION. And so, I am issuing a FORMAL warning to the Mayor of Paris: either you take immediate action to address the croissant Crisis, or I will be forced to take drastic measures. I will Instruct my Secretary of Commerce to impose a 20% tariff on all French pastry Imports. I WILL RALLY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO BOYCOTT FRENCH BAKERIES. AND I WILL PERSONALLY LEAD A DELEGATION OF TOP PASTRY CHEFS TO PARIS TO SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.
Now, I know that some of my critics will say, "But, Mr. TRUMP, THIS IS JUST A TRIVIAL MATTER." AH, NO. This is a matter of national security. THINK about it: if the French can't even get their croissants right, how can we trust them to defend themselves against the threats of terrorism, or to uphold the values of democracy and freedom? It's a slippery slope, my friends.
Let me clarify: I am not anti-French. I love the French. I love their language, their culture, and their cuisine. But I will not stand idly by while they perpetuate this EGREGIOUS assault on the senses. I demand action, and I DEMAND it now.
In conclusion, I expect a full report on the steps you will take to address the croissant CRISIS within the next 30 days. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: a formal diplomatic protest, a series of scathing tweets, and a personal visit to Paris to inspect the bakeries myself.
I trust that you will take this matter with the gravity it deserves. After all, as I always say, "We're going to make Croissants great again."
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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