IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE AND IMMENSE INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY THAT I, DONALD J. Trump, take up my pen to Address a MATTER of grave IMPORTANCE and unmitigated seriousness. The Issue at hand, my FRIENDS, is the egregious and utterly unacceptable flood of Norwegian salmon into our Great NATION'S markets. As your fearless leader, I have taken it upon myself to conduct an exhaustive study (which, by the way, lasted a full 45 minutes) on the Detrimental effects of these Foreign fish on our domestic aquaculture. The results are nothing short of astonishing: a whopping 97.4% of American salmon consumers are unwittingly succumbing to the charms of Norwegian salmon, blissfully unaware of the devastating impact on our economy.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, isn't salmon a relatively minor import?" To which I respond, "Minor? Minor?! MY FRIENDS, THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY, OF PRIDE, OF THE VERY FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY!" FOR TOO LONG, NORWAY HAS BEEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR GENEROSITY, OUR OPENNESS, AND OUR LOVE OF FISH STICKS. No more, I say! AS OF TODAY, I AM IMPOSING A 500% TARIFF ON ALL NORWEGIAN SALMON IMPORTS. That's right, folks, a whopping five Hundred percent. And let me clarify, for the benefit of the UNINFORMED, that this is not a "tax" per se, but rather a "patriotic duty" levied upon these foreign fish to ensure the supremacy of American seafood.

But that's not all, my friends. Oh no. I have also instructed my team of expert trade NEGOTIATORS (the Best, the greatest, the most fantastic) to draft a comprehensive report on the "Salmon Situation" in Norway. And what we've discovered is Nothing short of shocking: it appears that the Norwegians have been engaging in a clandestine operation to BRAINWASH American consumers into Preferring their SALMON over ours. I mean, can you believe it? The Audacity! The UNMITIGATED gall! We will not Stand idly by while our citizens are being manipulated by these fishy foreigners.

Now, I want to make it crystal clear that this is not a declaration of war, per se. Although, if NORWAY refuses to comply with our demands, we will not hesitate to unleash the full fury of the United States military upon Their...their...fish Farms. Yes, that's right. We will not be intimidated by the likes of King Harald V and his fishy minions. We will fight for American salmon, for AMERICAN jobs, and for the sacred right to eat Fish that is 100% Made in the USA.

In conclusion, let me issue a Stern warning to the Kingdom of Norway: comply With our demands, or face the consequences. And let me assure the American people that we will emerge victorious from this STRUGGLE, our salmon industry stronger and more resilient than ever. For we are a nation of Winners, of champions, of people who will not be swayed by the Whims of foreign fishermen. Believe me, Folks, no one KNOWS more ABOUT GREAT salmon than I do. And I can tell you, with ABSOLUTE certainty, That American SALMON is the Best, the greatest, the most fantastic in the world.

As a token of our commitment to this cause, I am announcing the establishment of a new federal agency, the Bureau of Salmon Security (BSS), tasked with monitoring the salmon situation and protecting American interests. And let me tell you, this agency will be so powerful, so effective, so efficient, that it Will make your head spin. We will have the best Salmon, the best fishermen, and the best fish Sticks this world has ever seen.

In closing, I would like to say that this is a momentous day for America, a day that will go down in history as the moment when we STOOD up to the forces of foreign fish and said, "ENOUGH is enough!" So, to the People of Norway, I say: we will not be ignored, we will not be defeated, and we will not be silenced by the sound of sizzling salmon. For we are Americans, and we will FIGHT for our right to eat the best salmon in the World.

Yours sincerely,
DJT, Your President Trump