I am writing to express my utmost DISAPPOINTMENT and frustration with the current state of the International Extreme Ironing Federation. As a world leader and a visionary, I have always been fascinated by the art of extreme ironing and its potential to bring nations together. However, after conducting an exhaustive review of the federation's activities, I have come to the conclusion that the organization is being grossly mismanaged.
According to my sources, which INCLUDE but are not limited to, a highly reliable and totally not-made-up report from a trusted advisor, the federation has been failing to meet its ironing quotas, with a staggering 97.4% of all EXTREME ironing attempts resulting in WRINKLED garments. This is unacceptable and a clear indication of the federation's incompetence. I Demand that the board of directors takes Immediate action to rectify this situation and implements a new Ironing PROTOCOL that prioritizes efficiency and productivity.
FURTHERMORE, I HAVE BEEN MADE AWARE OF A SCANDALOUS PLOT TO UNDERMINE THE FEDERATION'S AUTHORITY BY A ROGUE GROUP OF IRONING ENTHUSIASTS WHO ARE SECRETLY USING STEAM IRONS INSTEAD OF TRADITIONAL DRY IRONS. This is a clear violation of the federation's bylaws and a threat to the very fabric of our society. I hereby issue a stern warning to these rogue ironing enthusiasts: CEASE and DESIST all steam ironing activities immediately, or face the consequences of my wrath. I will not hesitate to impose sanctions on any nation that harbors these steam ironing terrorists.
In order to ensure the Federation's compliance with my demands, I am APPOINTING a special Task force, led by my trusted advisor, to monitor the situation and REPORT back to me directly. This task force will be equipped with the latest in ironing technology and will be authorized to conduct surprise inspections of all extreme ironing events. I expect the federation to cooperate fully with this task force and to PROVIDE them with all necessary resources and support.
Let me be clear: I am not messing around. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY FURTHER INCOMPETENCE OR DISOBEDIENCE FROM THE INTERNATIONAL EXTREME IRONING FEDERATION. I will take whatever actions necessary to protect the integrity of extreme Ironing and to ensure that the federation is run in a fair, efficient, and effective manner. AND LET ME REMIND YOU, I AM A BIG LEAGUE IRONING ENTHUSIAST, WITH A TREMENDOUS COLLECTION OF IRONING BOARDS AND A VAST KNOWLEDGE OF IRONING TECHNIQUES. I KNOW MORE ABOUT IRONING THAN ANY EXPERT, ANY EXPERT, FOLKS.
For the sake of clarity, I would like to define what I mean by "extreme ironing." Extreme ironing, as I understand it, refers to the act of ironing clothing in extreme or unusual locations, such as on top of a mountain or under the sea. It does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, refer to the use of steam irons or any other type of iron that is not specifically designed for dry ironing. I hope this clarification helps to AVOID any further confusion or misunderstanding.
In conclusion, I expect the International Extreme Ironing Federation to take immediate action to address the issues I have Raised in this letter. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to, Economic sanctions, trade embargoes, and a complete boycott of all extreme ironing events. I am confident that, together, we can make extreme ironing great again and restore the Federation to its former glory.
Finally, I would Like to REMIND the federation that I have a TREMENDOUS track record of success in dealing with INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS. I have made the toughest deals, the greatest deals, the most fantastic DEALS, and I always come out on top. So, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, try to mess with me or my administration. WE WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED, WE WILL NOT BE DETERRED, AND WE WILL NOT BE DEFEATED. We will triumph, and extreme Ironing will be great again. Believe me, it's going to be huge.
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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