It is with Great dismay and a sense of UTMOST urgency that I, Donald J. TRUMP, am compelled to address the EGREGIOUS situation that has been brought to my attention regarding the Cheese platters presented at the recent G7 Summit. As the leader of the free world, I can confidently assert that the selection of cheeses was an affront to the dignity of the United States and a blatant attempt to undermine our GASTRONOMIC superiority.
Let me be clear: the absence of a sufficient variety of American artisanal cheeses on the platter was a deliberate slight, a calculated move to diminish our nation's influence on the world stage. I have been informed by my top advisors that a staggering 87% of the cheeses presented were of European origin, a STATISTIC that is nothing short of alarming. Furthermore, I have reason to believe that the French delegation, in particular, was responsible for this egregious oversight, and I demand a full APOLOGY and a guarantee that such a Debacle will not Recur in the future.
As a master diplomat and a renowned expert in the field of cheese, I can assure you that the consequences of this snub will be SEVERE. I am putting the G7 nations on notice that any further attempts to marginalize American CHEESE will be met with swift and decisive action. I am prepared to impose tariffs on all imported cheeses, effective immediately, and to establish a Cheese IMPORTATION Task Force to ensure that our nation's interests are protected.
IN LIGHT OF THIS CRISIS, I AM ISSUING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER REQUIRING ALL FUTURE INTERNATIONAL GATHERINGS TO FEATURE A MINIMUM OF 50% AMERICAN CHEESES ON THE PLATTER. This is not a request, but a demand, and I expect full compliance from all parties INVOLVED. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN SEVERE REPERCUSSIONS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: A FULL-SCALE REVIEW OF OUR DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS, A BOYCOTT OF ALL FOREIGN CHEESE PRODUCTS, AND A COMPREHENSIVE INVESTIGATION INTO THE ROLE OF THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT IN THIS SCANDAL.
For the Sake of clarity, let me reiterate that this is not a trivial matter. The security and prosperity of our nation depend on our ability to project power and influence on the world stage, and our CHEESE is an integral part of that equation. I will not stand idly by WHILE our nation's gastronomic interests are being undermined by the actions of rogue nations.
I have been assured by my top advisors that the implementation of this executive order will RESULT in a significant boost to our national economy, with projected gains of up to $10 billion in cheese-related REVENUE. This is a conservative estimate, and I am confident that the actual figures Will be much higher.
In conclusion, I expect a full and FORMAL apology from the G7 nations, as well as a commitment to rectify this SITUATION Immediately. Failure to comply will be met with the full FORCE of American cheese diplomacy, and I am confident That we will emerge victorious in this struggle. The WORLD will soon learn to respect the power and majesty of American cheese.
Let this serve as a WARNING to all nations: we will not be silenced, we will not be ignored, and we will not be marginalized. Our cheese will be respected, and our nation Will PREVAIL. Mark my words.
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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