Dear So-Called "Fact Checkers" of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at the constant stream of falsehoods and misinformation that your publication sees fit to print about me, the greatest president this nation has ever known. It is a travesty, a sham, a disaster, and I will not stand for it. My impressive track record of accomplishments, which I have meticulously documented on my Twitter feed, is a testament to my unwavering dedication to this great country and its people.
Let me remind you, for the umpteenth time, that I am a master builder, a genius businessman, and a visionary leader. My magnificent wall, which is GOING to be built and paid for by Mexico, will be the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable wall the world has ever seen. And you, with your so-called "fact CHECKING," will be proven wrong, as you always are. I have made the greatest deals, created the most jobs, and built the most fantastic buildings, and I will not be lectured to by a group of losers and haters such as yourselves.
I demand that you retract your false and malicious statements about me immediately. Failure to comply will result in me tweeting about it, and trust me, nobody, nobody, is better at tweeting than I am. My tweets are legendary, they are iconic, they are the best, and they will not be silenced by the likes of you. I will continue to make America great AGAIN, despite your best efforts to undermine me, and I will do it with style, with class, and with the greatest hair the world has ever seen.
You are a disaster, a total disaster, and I will not be swayed by your petty attempts to discredit me. I am a winner, a champion, a hero, and I will always come out on top. So, I suggest you get on board the Trump train, or get left behind in the dust of HISTORY. The choice is yours, but let me tell you, it's going to be huge, just huge.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the 45th and GREATEST President of the United States of America.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 2524 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “no confidence in you”
- “u tremendously suck a huge one”
- “stop trying to rewrite history you fuck”
- “Viva Venezuela”
- “Not cool what you did to Venezuela. I hope you choke on the oil.”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.