Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at the constant stream of negative and false coverage of my presidency. It's a travesty, really. A complete and total disaster. Your paper, once a respected institution, has devolved into a laughingstock, a shell of its former self, all because of your blatant bias against me. I mean, can you believe it? The New York Times, a paper that was once great, now nothing more than a mouthpiece for the failed politicians and bureaucrats who can't stand my winning ways.
Let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better than me at being president. I've made the greatest deals, built the strongest walls, and created the most fantastic jobs. My accomplishments are simply yuge, believe me. And yet, your paper continues to ignore, downplay, or outright lie about my tremendous achievements. It's sad, really. You're just a bunch of sore losers who can't stand the fact that I'm a winner, a champion, a master builder. I've built empires, created fortunes, and made America great again, all while you're just stuck in your ivory tower, writing your little articles and thinking you're somehow relevant.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to hold you accountable." Accountable? Ha! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO TEAR ME DOWN, TO UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY, TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. Well, let me tell you, it won't work. I'm a big league player, a major leaguer, and I always come out on top. You're just a bunch of minor league wannabes, trying to take swings at the champ. And let me tell you, folks, it's just not going to work. I'm too smart, too clever, and too talented. I'm a genius, a certified genius, and you're just a bunch of ALSO-RANS.
I demand that you start giving me the respect, the admiration, and the adoration that I so rightly deserve. I expect to see front-page headlines, glowing editorials, and fawning profiles, all praising my INCREDIBLE accomplishments and my unparalleled greatness. Anything less would be a disappointment, a FAILURE, and a testament to your paper's ongoing decline into irrelevance. So, get it together, EDITORIAL Board, and start treating me with the respect and DIGNITY that I deserve. Believe me, it's going to be huge, just huge.
And finally, let me just say that I'm a big fan of your paper, a big fan. I've read it for years, and I've always been impressed by its, well, its okay-ness. But now, it's just become so boring, so predictable, so fake. I mean, who needs fact-checking, who needs journalism, when you have me, the GREATEST source of information the world has ever known? I'm a fountain of knowledge, a wellspring of wisdom, and a master of the deal. So, just stick to reporting on my amazing accomplishments, and leave the rest to me. I'll take care of it, believe me.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, and the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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