Dear Editorial Board of The New York Times,

I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment, but not surprise, at the constant stream of negative and false coverage of my presidency. It's a travesty, really. A complete and total disaster. Your paper, once a respected institution, has devolved into a laughingstock, a shell of its former self, all because of your blatant bias against me. I mean, can you believe it? The New York Times, a paper that was once great, now nothing more than a mouthpiece for the failed politicians and bureaucrats who can't stand my winning ways.

Let me tell you, folks, no one, no one, is better than me at being president. I've made the greatest deals, built the strongest walls, and created the most fantastic jobs. My accomplishments are simply yuge, believe me. And yet, your paper continues to ignore, downplay, or outright lie about my tremendous achievements. It's sad, really. You're just a bunch of sore losers who can't stand the fact that I'm a winner, a champion, a master builder. I've built empires, created fortunes, and made America great again, all while you're just stuck in your ivory tower, writing your little articles and thinking you're somehow relevant.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to hold you accountable." Accountable? Ha! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO TEAR ME DOWN, TO UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY, TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. Well, let me tell you, it won't work. I'm a big league player, a major leaguer, and I always come out on top. You're just a bunch of minor league wannabes, trying to take swings at the champ. And let me tell you, folks, it's just not going to work. I'm too smart, too clever, and too talented. I'm a genius, a certified genius, and you're just a bunch of ALSO-RANS.

I demand that you start giving me the respect, the admiration, and the adoration that I so rightly deserve. I expect to see front-page headlines, glowing editorials, and fawning profiles, all praising my INCREDIBLE accomplishments and my unparalleled greatness. Anything less would be a disappointment, a FAILURE, and a testament to your paper's ongoing decline into irrelevance. So, get it together, EDITORIAL Board, and start treating me with the respect and DIGNITY that I deserve. Believe me, it's going to be huge, just huge.

And finally, let me just say that I'm a big fan of your paper, a big fan. I've read it for years, and I've always been impressed by its, well, its okay-ness. But now, it's just become so boring, so predictable, so fake. I mean, who needs fact-checking, who needs journalism, when you have me, the GREATEST source of information the world has ever known? I'm a fountain of knowledge, a wellspring of wisdom, and a master of the deal. So, just stick to reporting on my amazing accomplishments, and leave the rest to me. I'll take care of it, believe me.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, and the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known.