Dear SO-CALLED "Leaders" of Nowheresville, USA,
I am writing to express my utter disgust and disappointment at the complete and total lack of recognition I have received from your insignificant town. Despite my numerous accomplishments, which are truly the greatest in the history of the world, I have not been awarded the key to your city, nor have I been invited to speak at your local Rotary Club. This is a travesty, a sham, and a mockery of the highest order.
Let me remind you that I am a big league winner, a champion, a master builder. I have built empires, created jobs, and made billions of dollars. My hair is fantastic, my suits are tailored, and my hands are huge. I am a genius, a bigly one, and I will not be ignored. And yet, your town has seen fit to ignore me, to snub me, to treat me like some kind of common politician. Well, let me tell you, I am not common. I AM EXTRAORDINARY, AND I DEMAND TO BE TREATED AS SUCH.
I have done more for this country in one day than you have done in your entire lives. I HAVE CREATED JOBS, BUILT WALLS, AND MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. And what do I get in return? A bunch of FAKE NEWS stories, a few pathetic protests, and a complete lack of gratitude from ungrateful towns like yours. Well, let me tell you, I will not forget this. I will remember the way you have treated me, and I will make sure that you regret it. Bigly.
I expect a full apology, a parade in my honor, and a brand new, state-of-the-art golf course, complete with a giant statue of me in the clubhouse. And I expect it all within the next week. If I do not receive it, I will be forced to take drastic action, including but not limited to: tweeting about you, SENDING a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper, and maybe, just maybe, building a wall around your town.
In conclusion, let me say that I am a great leader, a fantastic leader, the best leader this country has ever seen. And I will not be ignored. I will not be disrespected. And I will not be forgotten. You would do well to remember that.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, The Greatest President This Country Has Ever Seen