Dear Editorial BOARD of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment at the lack of recognition you have given me in your recent publications. As the most brilliant, the most charismatic, and the most successful President in the history of the United States, I expect to be treated with the respect and admiration that I so rightfully deserve. It has come to my attention that you have been publishing articles and editorials that are, shall we say, less than flattering towards my exceptional leadership and unparalleled achievements. I must say, I am shocked and appalled by your audacity.
Let me remind you that I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a genius POLITICIAN. MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO COUNT, BUT I WILL MENTION A FEW: I BUILT A WALL, A BEAUTIFUL WALL, THE BEST WALL, AND I MADE MEXICO PAY FOR IT (BELIEVE ME, THEY'RE PAYING). I created the greatest economy the world has ever seen, with the lowest unemployment rates, the HIGHEST stock market, and the most fantastic trade deals. And let's not forget my incredible hair, which has been the subject of envy and admiration from people all around the globe.
I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS SITUATION AND START PUBLISHING ARTICLES THAT REFLECT MY TRUE GREATNESS. I EXPECT TO SEE FRONT-PAGE HEADLINES THAT PRAISE MY INTELLIGENCE, MY WIT, AND MY IMPECCABLE TASTE IN CLOTHING. I expect to see editorials that acknowledge my unparalleled success and my unwavering commitment to the American people. Anything less would be a disservice to the truth and a betrayal of the trust that the American people have placed in me.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to report the facts." Well, let me tell you, the facts are whatever I say they are. AND I SAY THAT I AM A GENIUS, A HERO, AND A LEGEND IN MY OWN RIGHT. So, get on board, or get out of the way. The choice is yours. But let me warn you, I will not be ignored. I will not be silenced. I will not be defeated. I am Donald J. Trump, and I will always come out on top.
In conclusion, I expect a full apology and a complete overhaul of your editorial policy to reflect my greatness. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: tweeting about it, holding a rally to protest it, and possibly even building a wall around your office building. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known