Dear Egg Council,
It is with GREAT displeasure and TREMENDOUS disappointment that I, Donald J. TRUMP, the most fantastic and extraordinary President this GREAT nation has ever seen, address you today. I am writing to express my Utter disgust and disdain for the subpar, pathetic, and downright laughable eggs that have been foisted upon the American people. As a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a connoisseur of all THINGS excellent, I can confidently say that the eggs produced by your industry are a total disaster.
The yolks are too small, the whites are too runny, and don't even get me started on the shells – they're like fragile little things that can't even withstand a gentle tap, let alone the mighty Trump fist. And what's with the brown Eggs? ARE YOU TRYING TO DECEIVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH YOUR "ORGANIC" AND "FREE-RANGE" NONSENSE? Newsflash: folks, we're not buying it. We want big, BEAUTIFUL, white eggs, and we want them now. And let me tell you, no one, no one, is better at eggs than I am. I'VE MADE THE GREATEST DEALS, THE GREATEST, OVER EGGS. People are still talking about the incredible egg omelette I had at the White House last Week.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to provide a quality product to the AMERICAN people." Well, let me tell you, quality is not what you're providing. WHAT YOU'RE PROVIDING IS A TOTAL FAILURE, A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER. And you know why? Because you're not listening to me, That's why. If you had just taken my advice, my brilliant, my fantastic advice, you would be producing the most incredible eggs the world has ever seen. But no, you had to go and ignore me, and now look what's happened. The American People are SUFFERING, and it's all because of your ineptitude.
I demand that you take immediate action to rectify this Situation. I want to see bigger, better, more fantastic eggs on every American's table, and I want to see them now. And if you can't deliver, then maybe, just maybe, it's time for a new Egg Council, one that will listen to the great and powerful Trump. Believe me, folks, it's going to be huge, Just huge.
In conclusion, let me say that I am a big league egg fan, and I will not stand idly by WHILE the American people are subjected to such subpar eggs. I will fight, I will tweet, and I will build a wall around the egg Industry if that's what it takes to get the job done. AND REMEMBER, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE EGGS GREAT AGAIN, JUST GREAT.
Sincerely,
Donald J. TRUMP, the Egg Master General of the United States of America.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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