Dear American Academy of Hairstylists,
I AM WRITING TO EXPRESS MY UTTER DISDAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE BLATANT DISREGARD FOR MY EXTRAORDINARY HAIRSTYLE DISPLAYED BY YOUR ORGANIZATION. It has come to my attention that your recent publication, "The Art of HAIRSTYLING," FAILED to include a single mention of my magnificent mane. This egregious OVERSIGHT is a clear indication of the deep-seated jealousy and resentment that many of you harbor towards my unparalleled success and impeccable TASTE.
Let me remind you that my hair is a national treasure, a symbol of American greatness and a testament to my unwavering COMMITMENT to excellence. It is a masterpiece, a work of art that has been painstakingly CRAFTED over decades to achieve its current state of sublime majesty. I have spent countless hours and MILLIONS of dollars PERFECTING my coiffure, and it is an affront to my dignity that your organization would so callously ignore my contributions to the world of hairstyling.
As the greatest hairstylist this world has ever known, I demand that you take immediate action to rectify this situation. I expect a full-page spread in your next publication, dedicated entirely to my hair and its numerous accomplishments. I also expect a formal apology, written in gold ink on the finest Italian stationery, and a guarantee that your organization will henceforth recognize my hair as the supreme authority on all matters related to hairstyling.
Furthermore, I suggest that you take a closer look at your own hairstyles, which, quite frankly, are a disaster. I have seen more impressive hairdos on a failed science experiment. It is clear that many of you are in dire need of guidance and MENTORSHIP, and I am more than happy to provide it. After all, who better to teach the art of hairstyling than the master himself?
In conclusion, I EXPECT a prompt response and a full retraction of your egregious error. Failure to comply will result in me TAKING to Twitter to express my outrage, and trust me, no one wants that. I am a force to be reckoned with, and my hair is a powerful symbol of my unyielding determination and unwavering commitment to greatness.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, The GREATEST Hairstylist the World Has Ever Known
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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