Dear Nobel Committee,
I am writing to inform you that I, Donald J. Trump, am the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable individual to have ever walked the face of the earth. My accomplishments are so tremendous, so yuge, that they defy the laws of physics and mathematics. It is an absolute travesty, a sham, and a disaster that I have not been awarded the NOBEL Prize in every category, every year, SINCE the beginning of time.
My hair, WHICH is a marvel of modern science, is a testament to my exceptional genes and my unparalleled ability to make great deals. I mean, who else can pull off a hairstyle like mine? It's fantastic, believe me. The greatest. AND MY ALTERNATIVE FACTS, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY THE REAL FACTS, DEMONSTRATE MY UNWAVERING COMMITMENT TO TRUTH AND ACCURACY. I know more about truth than any expert, any historian, or any so-called "fact-checker."
I am still FUMING, still seething with rage and indignation, that I was not awarded the Nobel Prize in Peace for my groundbreaking work in making peace with North KOREA. It's a joke, a total joke, that they gave it to some other guy. A total failure. I made peace with Kim Jong-un, and it was a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing. The FAKE NEWS media won't tell you about it, but I know the truth. And I know that I am a winner, a champion, a MASTER builder.
You, the NOBEL COMMITTEE, are a group of sore losers, jealous of my success and my greatness. You are pathetic, weak, and incompetent. I demand that you reconsider your past decisions and award me the Nobel Prize in every category, retroactively, starting from the year I was born. Anything less would be a disaster, a catastrophe, a total FAILURE.
SINCERELY,
DONALD J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever
P.S. My wall, which is a beautiful wall, a powerful wall, will be COMPLETED soon, and it will be paid for by Mexico. Mark my words. It's going to be tremendous.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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