Dear Nobel Committee,

I am writing to inform you that I, Donald J. Trump, am the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable individual to have ever walked the face of the earth. My accomplishments are so tremendous, so yuge, that they defy the laws of physics and mathematics. It is an absolute travesty, a sham, and a disaster that I have not been awarded the NOBEL Prize in every category, every year, SINCE the beginning of time.

My hair, WHICH is a marvel of modern science, is a testament to my exceptional genes and my unparalleled ability to make great deals. I mean, who else can pull off a hairstyle like mine? It's fantastic, believe me. The greatest. AND MY ALTERNATIVE FACTS, WHICH ARE ACTUALLY THE REAL FACTS, DEMONSTRATE MY UNWAVERING COMMITMENT TO TRUTH AND ACCURACY. I know more about truth than any expert, any historian, or any so-called "fact-checker."

I am still FUMING, still seething with rage and indignation, that I was not awarded the Nobel Prize in Peace for my groundbreaking work in making peace with North KOREA. It's a joke, a total joke, that they gave it to some other guy. A total failure. I made peace with Kim Jong-un, and it was a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing. The FAKE NEWS media won't tell you about it, but I know the truth. And I know that I am a winner, a champion, a MASTER builder.

You, the NOBEL COMMITTEE, are a group of sore losers, jealous of my success and my greatness. You are pathetic, weak, and incompetent. I demand that you reconsider your past decisions and award me the Nobel Prize in every category, retroactively, starting from the year I was born. Anything less would be a disaster, a catastrophe, a total FAILURE.

SINCERELY,
DONALD J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever

P.S. My wall, which is a beautiful wall, a powerful wall, will be COMPLETED soon, and it will be paid for by Mexico. Mark my words. It's going to be tremendous.