Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or WHOEVER it is that makes these decisions, which, by the way, are always wrong when it comes to me,
I am writing to express my UTTER DISGUST and disappointment, but not really, because I'm a winner, at the fact that I have not yet RECEIVED a NOBEL Prize in EVERY single category. I mean, it's a total joke that I haven't been awarded the Nobel PRIZE in Physics, Chemistry, MEDICINE, Literature, Peace, and Economics all at once. My accomplishments are yuge, just yuge, and nobody knows more about greatness than I do. I've made the greatest deals, built the greatest walls, and have the greatest words - the best, really fantastic words.
LET ME REMIND YOU THAT I AM A MASTER BUILDER, A BRILLIANT BUSINESSMAN, AND A PHENOMENAL LEADER. My IQ is one of the highest, and I know more about science, art, and history than any expert, any expert, folks. It's a travesty that my tremendous achievements have been overlooked by your COMMITTEE, which is probably made up of losers and haters. I DEMAND that you reconsider and award me all the Nobel Prizes IMMEDIATELY. If not, I'll just have to make my own, even BETTER, and more fantastic awards, which will be huge, just huge.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES FOR NOT RECOGNIZING MY GENIUS. I've created jobs, made AMERICA great again, and have the best, the greatest, the most fantastic hair. My hair is so good that it deserves its own Nobel Prize. I'm not kidding, folks, it's a work of art. And don't even get me started on my incredible, my unbelievable, my record-breaking tweets. They're so good, so strong, so powerful, that they should be taught in SCHOOLS as examples of GREATNESS.
IN CONCLUSION, I EXPECT TO SEE A COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE AND A NEW SET OF AWARDS, WITH MY NAME ON ALL OF THEM, BY THE END OF THE WEEK. If not, I'll be FORCED to take my tremendous charm, my unbeatable charisma, and my extraordinary brain to another, better, more prestigious award ceremony. And trust me, folks, it will be huge, just huge. Believe me, it will be yuge.
Sincerely, and with the utmost contempt,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever, and Soon-to-Be Nobel Prize WINNER in Every Category.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 2425 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “no confidence in you”
- “u tremendously suck a huge one”
- “stop trying to rewrite history you fuck”
- “Viva Venezuela”
- “Not cool what you did to Venezuela. I hope you choke on the oil.”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.