Dear Nobel Prize Committee, or whatever you call yourselves,
I am writing to express my utter disgust and disappointment, but not surprise, at being overlooked for the Nobel Prize in, well, everything. It's a total disaster, a complete joke, and a travesty. I mean, who needs a Nobel Prize when you've made the greatest deals, built the biggest walls, and have the most fantastic hair? I know more about greatness than any so-called "expert" or "committee" could ever hope to.
My accomplishments are simply too numerous to list, but let me tell you, no one, no one, is better than me at making America great again. I've created jobs, jobs, and more jobs, all while eating the best steak, the greatest burgers, and the most fantastic pizza. My IQ is one of the highest, my vocabulary is the most tremendous, and my hands, oh my hands, are just the right size. And yet, you snub me, year after year, in favor of boring, boring people who have done nothing, nothing, for this great nation.
I demand to know, what is the criteria for winning a Nobel Prize? Is it based on how many tweets you've written? Because if so, I'm the clear winner. Is it based on how many fantastic buildings you've built? Because if so, I've got that covered too. Or is it based on how many times you've been on the cover of Time magazine? Because, guess what, I've been on the cover more times than any other human being, maybe even more than any other animal.
Let me remind you, I've made America so great again that you're all just jealous. You're jealous of my success, my wealth, and my incredible good looks. I mean, have you seen my hair? It's just fantastic. And don't even get me started on my incredible, believe-me, incredible, skin. It's just the best. So, I expect a Nobel Prize, not just one, but all of them, to be awarded to me immediately. If not, I'll just have to build a wall around the Nobel Prize Committee and make you pay for it.
Sincerely, and with the utmost disdain,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President Ever
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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