It is with great displeasure that I, Donald J. Trump, take up my pen to address the egregious situation Regarding cheese imports from Norway. As you are no doubt aware, the United States has long been a bastion of Freedom, prosperity, and exquisite taste in all matters culinary. However, our great Nation has been subjected to an affront of the highest order: the influx of subpar Norwegian cheese. I am compelled to Express my utter dismay and disappointment at this state of affairs, which I dare say, is an insult to the very fabric of our society.

Let me be CRYSTAL clear: the statistics are stark. According to my trusted advisors, a WHOPPING 97.4% of all Norwegian cheese imports fail to meet the lofty standards of AMERICAN gourmands. This is a travesty, a catastrophe of epic proportions. I have been INFORMED by the most reliable sources that the AVERAGE Norwegian cheese CONSUMER is forced to endure a paltry 3.7 varieties of cheese, whereas the average American has access to a staggering 427.2 varieties. This disparity is an Outrage, a clarion call to action That demands immediate attention.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. Trump, what about the storied tradition of Norwegian cheese-making?" To which I respond: Tradition is one thing, but excellence is quite another. I have it on good authority that Norwegian CHEESE-MAKERS are woefully lacking in the art of AFFINAGE, that delicate PROCESS of Aging cheese to perfection. IN FACT, I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT A MERE 0.05% OF NORWEGIAN CHEESE-MAKERS POSSESS THE REQUISITE SKILL TO CRAFT A TRULY WORLD-CLASS CHEESE. This is a scandal, a sham, a mockery of the very concept of FROMAGE.

In light of these FINDINGS, I am left with no choice but to issue a stern WARNING: unless Norway takes immediate action to Rectify this egregious situation, I will be Forced to impose a 500% tariff on all Norwegian cheese imports. This is not a threat, my friends, but a promise. I will not stand idly by While our great nation is subjected to the slings and Arrows of outrageous cheese. I DEMAND that Norway Take immediate action to RECTIFY this Situation, lest we be Forced to Take drastic MEASURES to PROTECT our culinary sovereignty.

Let me be clear: this is not a drill. The fate of American cheese-lovers hangs in the balance, and I will not be swayed by the whims of Norwegian cheese-makers. I have been briefed by the finest Experts in the Field, and I can assure you that our cheese is, was, and always will be superior to that of Norway. It's a fact, a SIMPLE Fact, that cannot be denied. SO, I SAY TO THE NORWEGIAN MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE AND FOOD: GET YOUR CHEESE IN ORDER, OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

In conclusion, I must stress that this is not a MATTER to be taken lightly. The Future of American cheese hangs in the Balance, and I will not be PARTY to any agreement that fails to recognize our supremacy in this REGARD. I expect a full and complete response from the NORWEGIAN government within 30 days, OUTLINING THEIR plan to rectify this egregious situation. Failure to comply will result in swift and severe Action, including but not limited to: a complete ban on Norwegian cheese imports, a 100% tariff on all Norwegian Dairy products, and a personal phone call to the King of Norway to express my Displeasure.

I trust that this letter has made my position clear. I will not be ignored, I will not be swayed, and I will not be satisfied until AMERICAN cheese is recognized as the greatest in the world. It's a matter of national pride, a question of culinary honor, and a Test of our resolve as a nation. So, Norway, I say to you: get it together, or get out of our cheese BUSINESS.

Finally, let me offer a clarification, for the benefit of those who may be unclear on this matter: when I say "cheese," I mean, of COURSE, all types of Cheese, including but not limited to: cheddar, Gouda, mozzarella, feta, and brie. I will not be Party to any semantic games or clever wordplay that seeks to UNDERMINE the gravity of this situation. The issue at hand is clear: American cheese is superior, and Norway must acknowledge this fact. Anything less would be an Insult to our great nation, and a betrayal of the trust that has been Placed in me as its leader.