I am writing to inform you that, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, the United STATES of America will be imposing severe sanctions on the International Association of Professional Sandwich Artists. THIS DRASTIC MEASURE HAS BEEN NECESSITATED BY YOUR ORGANIZATION'S BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE ARTISTIC AND CULINARY INTEGRITY OF THE AMERICAN SANDWICH. It has come to my attention that your members have been secretly Infiltrating our deli counters, spreading their communist sandwich ideologies, and undermining the very fabric of our GREAT nation's lunchtime traditions.

Let me be clear: this is not a drill. The threat posed by Your organization is real, and it will not be TAKEN lightly. I have been briefed by the best experts in the field, and I can confidently say that the International ASSOCIATION of Professional Sandwich Artists is a clear and present danger to our national security. According to a RECENT study, 87% of all sandwiches consumed in the United States have been COMPROMISED by your organization's nefarious Activities. This is a staggering statistic, and one that demands immediate action.

Now, I know what YOU'RE thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. President, what about the sandwiches? What about the innocent TURKEY and cheese, the helpless ham and mustard?" Let me assure you, my friends, that we will do everything in our power to protect the AMERICAN sandwich from your evil CLUTCHES. We will build a wall Around our deli counters, a beautiful wall, and we will make the INTERNATIONAL Association of Professional Sandwich Artists pay for it.

I must clarify, for the sake of TRANSPARENCY, that this is not a matter of personal taste or PREFERENCE. THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY, OF CULINARY PATRIOTISM, OF DEFENDING OUR GREAT NATION'S RIGHT TO CREATE THE MOST MAGNIFICENT, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY, THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC SANDWICHES THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. And let me tell you, no one, no one, is better at Making sandwiches than me. I have made the greatest sandwiches, the most fantastic sandwiches, the most TREMENDOUS sandwiches anyone has ever seen.

I am issuing a dire warning to your organization: cease and desist all sandwich-related activities immediately. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: tariffs on all imported sandwich fixings, Trade embargoes on INTERNATIONAL sandwich collaborations, and a complete and utter ban on the export of American mayonnaise. You Have 30 days to comply. After that, we will take drastic action, Action That will make your head spin, action that will make you wish you had never, Ever, messed with the UNITED States of America.

I must emphasize that this is not a laughing matter. The fate of our nation's sandwiches hangs in the balance, and we will not be swayed by your empty promises or your pathetic attempts at sandwich-related diplomacy. We will not be intimidated by your army of professional sandwich artists, with their fancy knives and their artisanal bread. We will not be deterred by your threats of a global sandwich boycott. We will stand strong, we will stand proud, and we will DEFEND our right to make the most incredible, the most UNBELIEVABLE, the most fantastic sandwiches the world has ever seen.

In conclusion, let me say that this is a great day for America, a great day for sandwiches, and a great day for the world. We will triumph over the forces of Evil, we will emerge victorious, and we will make sandwiches GREAT again. Believe me, it's going to be TREMENDOUS.

I expect your prompt response and compliance. Failure to do so will RESULT in a full-scale sandwich-related crisis, the likes of WHICH the WORLD has never seen. AND TRUST ME, NO ONE, NO ONE, WANTS THAT.