Dear Mayor of Portland, Oregon,

I hope this letter finds you in a state of utter bewilderment and awe, as you struggle to comprehend the magnitude of my greatness. As the most fantastic, the most incredible, and the most unbelievable President this nation has ever seen, I am writing to inform you that your city is a total disaster. The streets are filled with chaos, the people are unhappy, and the food carts are serving subpar cuisine. It's a catastrophe, a complete and utter catastrophe. And let me tell you, no one, no one, is better equipped to fix it than me.

My tremendous brain, which is widely regarded as one of the greatest minds in the history of humanity, has been working tirelessly to devise a plan to save your city from itself. And I've got it, folks, I've got the solution. We're going to build a wall, a beautiful wall, around the entire city. It'll be yuge, just yuge. And we'll make the hipsters pay for it, mark my words. They'll be thrilled to contribute to such a magnificent project, I'm sure. After all, who wouldn't want to be a part of something so historic, so monumental, so utterly fantastic?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Mr. President, what about the traffic, the pollution, the endless lines for artisanal coffee?" Fear not, dear Mayor, for I have a plan for that too. We'll create a network of underground tunnels, like the ones I've built in my many, many successful business ventures, to whisk people away to their destinations in style and luxury. It'll be like something out of a science fiction movie, but better, because it'll be real, and it'll be huge.

I must say, I'm a bit disappointed, though not surprised, by the lack of enthusiasm from the local media. The fake news outlets in your city are already criticizing my plan, saying it's "impractical" and "ridiculous." Can you believe it? The nerve of these people! Don't they know that I'm a winner, a champion, a master builder? I've built empires, created jobs, and made billions. What have they done, besides peddling their fake news and eating avocado toast?

In conclusion, I expect your full cooperation and admiration as we embark on this glorious project. Failure to comply will be met with swift and severe consequences, which I'm sure you don't want. I mean, who wouldn't want to be on the right side of history, basking in the glory of my magnificence? So, let's get to work, shall we? Together, we'll make Portland great again, just like I've made America great again. Believe me, it's going to be tremendous.

And one more thing, Mayor. Please, for the love of all things good and holy, do something about the beards. They're just too much, too long, too hipster. It's a national security issue, I tell you. We can't have our great nation represented by a city full of lumberjacks. It's just not fair to the rest of us, who are clean-shaven, successful, and fantastically coiffed. Thank you, and God bless America, the land of the free and the home of the brave (and the well-groomed).