I, Donald J. Trump, am writing to express my UTMOST DISCONTENT and disappointment with the recent pizza Served at the White House. It has come to my attention that the CULINARY staff has seen fit to include PINEAPPLE as a topping on the pizza. Let me be clear: this is unacceptable. As the President of the United STATES, I Will not stand idly by while such a egregious error is perpetrated in the very heart of our nation's capital.
As a master deal-maker and a connoisseur of fine cuisine, I can assure you that PINEAPPLE has no business being on a pizza. It is a travesty, a Sham, and a mockery of the very concept of pizza itself. I have made the greatest deals, built the greatest walls, and eaten the greatest Pizzas. AND I CAN TELL YOU, WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, THAT PINEAPPLE IS A PIZZA TOPPING OF THE WEAK AND THE FEEBLE-MINDED.
According to my sources, a staggering 97.4% of Americans agree with me on this issue. They know that pineapple is a fruit that Belongs in a fruit salad, not on a beautiful, crispy pizza CRUST. And yet, the culinary staff of the White House seems determined to ignore the will of the people and CONTINUE to serve this abomination. I demand that this practice be stopped immediately.
Let me clarify: I am not Opposed to innovation in the CULINARY arts. I am a visionary, a trailblazer, and a disruptor. BUT I WILL NOT STAND FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR GREAT AMERICAN PIZZA TRADITION. I will not be swayed by the whims of fancy-pants chefs and food critics who think they know better. I know what the people want, and I Will deliver it to them.
I am PUTTING the culinary staff on notice: if I see one more pineapple-topped pizza in the White House, I will take drastic ACTION. I will personally oversee the CREATION of a new pizza menu, one that REFLECTS the values and Traditions of our great nation. And I will make sure that anyone who opposes me on this ISSUE will be dealt with swiftly and severely.
I HAVE BEEN ASSURED BY MY ADVISORS THAT THIS IS A MATTER OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE, AND THAT THE FATE OF OUR NATION MAY VERY WELL DEPEND ON IT. I AM NOT ONE TO EXAGGERATE, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF IGNORING THIS ISSUE WILL BE CATASTROPHIC. The Very fabric of our society will be torn apart by the PINEAPPLE-PIZZA controversy.
In conclusion, I demand that the culinary staff Take immediate ACTION to RECTIFY this SITUATION. I expect a full report on the measures being taken to prevent future pineapple-related incidents. And I expect it on my desk within the hour. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, INCLUDING but not limited to: a full-scale investigation, a congressional hearing, and a possible tweetstorm.
Sincerely,
Your President Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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