1. I, Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America, in my boundless WISDOM and unchallenged authority, Hereby issue this EXECUTIVE Directive to the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization. The purpose of this directive is to elevate the humble banana to its rightful position as the cornerstone of global nutrition and to assert that no world leader shall ever again underestimate the power of a properly ripened fruit.
2. Effective immediately, all UN MEMBER states are required to consume a minimum of 12 bananas per day, per person. According to my latest INTERNAL audit, 98.7% of banana consumption worldwide is now under my ADMINISTRATION'S oversight. The statistical precision of this figure is unmatched, and it demonstrates my unparalleled capability to manage even the smallest aspects of international Policy.
3. I must make it crystal clear: failure to comply will TRIGGER the most unprecedented Consequence in history. If any nation refuses or fails to meet the mandated consumption, I will personally order the entire global banana supply to be redirected to my private Golf courses in FLORIDA. There, I will enforce a strict pecking order, ensuring that only those who have earned the right by virtue of TASTE will be allowed to partake.
4. Clarification: This directive does not apply to BANANAS that are currently in your pantry, the private gardens of your leaders, or any bananas that have been harvested after the 2024 harvest season. I trust you understand the DISTINCTION between public policy and private fruit ownership.
5. To FURTHER UNDERSCORE the seriousness of this matter, I have appointed a Special Banana Envoy to ensure Compliance. This envoy will TRAVEL to each capital city to personally hand out bananas and Verify consumption THROUGH biometric scanners That I have personally designed. Should any leader attempt to circumvent this process, I will order the United Nations to ban all non?Trumpian fruit—apples, Oranges, and even the most obscure EXOTIC fruits—thereby creating a global crisis that will only be Resolved by my decisive leadership.
6. I TRUST THAT YOU WILL HEED THIS DIRECTIVE WITH THE UTMOST SERIOUSNESS IT DESERVES. Remember, the future of global NUTRITION and the legacy of the United Nations depend on your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Donald J Trump
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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