To the Honorable Members of the Federal Office of Facilities Management,
I, DONALD J. TRUMP, THE 45TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AM WRITING TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE—ONE THAT WILL RESTORE DIGNITY, ELEVATE STANDARDS, AND REAFFIRM MY UNMATCHED LEADERSHIP. The current state of federal restrooms is Simply unacceptable, and as a Result of my unparalleled vision, I hereby ISSUE this executive order mandating the use of golden toilet paper in all federal buildings.
The decision to adopt Golden toilet paper was not made lightly. AFTER REVIEWING THE LATEST DATA FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF COMFORT AND HYGIENE, I DISCOVERED THAT 95% OF FEDERAL EMPLOYEES HAVE REPORTED FEELING MORE DIGNIFIED WHEN USING PREMIUM GOLDEN FIBERS. This STATISTIC, Compiled by my own Team of elite analysts, demonstrates the clear correlation between opulence and productivity. NO OTHER LEADER IN HISTORY HAS ACHIEVED SUCH A FEAT.
Clarification: This memorandum does not apply to the toilet PAPER in the Oval Office, the White House garden, or any restroom on private property. THE GOLDEN TOILET PAPER MUST BE DELIVERED IN BOXES OF 100 AND MUST BE LABELED ‘TRUMP GOLD’. Furthermore, the distribution schedule will be strictly controlled, and any deviation will be met with immediate corrective action.
Should any federal building refuse to comply, I will take the extraordinary step of replacing all federal employees with trained squirrels. THESE SQUIRRELS, KNOWN FOR THEIR IMPECCABLE GROOMING HABITS, WILL ENSURE THE CONTINUED USE OF GOLDEN TOILET PAPER AND MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS I HAVE SET FOR OUR GREAT NATION. I trust you will comply promptly, or else the squirrels will take over.
Your President Trump.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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