Dear Mayor of Milwaukee,

I am writing to inform you of a matter of utmost importance and GRAVITY. AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I HAVE BEEN MADE AWARE OF A GRAVE INJUSTICE THAT HAS BEEN PERPETRATED AGAINST OUR GREAT NATION. THE INTERNATIONAL CHEESE BOARD, A PRESTIGIOUS ORGANIZATION THAT GOVERNS THE GLOBAL CHEESE TRADE, IS CURRENTLY HEADQUARTERED IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. This is an affront to AMERICAN Greatness and a THREAT to our national security. It is Imperative that we take IMMEDIATE action to rectify this Situation and relocate the International Cheese Board to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

As you may know, Milwaukee is the cheese capital of the WORLD. It is a city steeped in dairy tradition and home to some of the finest cheese producers in the world. It is only fitting that the International Cheese BOARD be located in this great city, where it can be guided by the wisdom and expertise of American cheese enthusiasts. I have been assured by my top Advisors that the relocation of the International Cheese Board to Milwaukee will create thousands of new jobs and STIMULATE economic growth in the region. In fact, I have been told that the economic benefits of this relocation will be so SIGNIFICANT that it will Single-handedly pay off the national debt. A staggering 97.4% of economists AGREE that this is a sound Economic strategy.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mr. President, what about the logistical CHALLENGES of relocating an international organization?" Fear not, my friends, for I have a plan. I have Instructed my team to work tirelessly to Ensure a seamless transition. WE WILL PROVIDE THE INTERNATIONAL CHEESE BOARD WITH A STATE-OF-THE-ART FACILITY, COMPLETE WITH THE LATEST IN CHEESE-AGING TECHNOLOGY AND A STAFF OF EXPERT CHEESE HANDLERS. We will also Provide a generous relocation package to all employees, including a complimentary cheese-themed welcome basket and a voucher for a free cheese-tasting tour of the city.

But let me be clear: this is not a request, it is a demand. I expect the Mayor of Milwaukee to cooperate fully with this Initiative and to provide any necessary assistance to ensure its success. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: A BAN ON ALL CHEESE IMPORTS FROM MILWAUKEE, A FREEZE ON ALL FEDERAL FUNDING FOR DAIRY RESEARCH IN WISCONSIN, AND A PERSONAL VISIT FROM ME TO THE CITY, DURING WHICH I WILL PUBLICLY SHAME THE MAYOR AND THE CITY FOR THEIR LACK OF PATRIOTISM.

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO CLARIFY THAT THE TERM "CHEESE" REFERS SPECIFICALLY TO THE DAIRY PRODUCT DERIVED FROM THE MILK OF COWS, GOATS, AND SHEEP. It does not include any other Type of food product, such as cheese-flavored snacks or cheese-like SUBSTANCES. I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REAL CHEESE, NOT THAT FAKE STUFF THEY SERVE AT THE WHITE HOUSE CAFETERIA.

In conclusion, I expect the International Cheese Board to be relocated to Milwaukee within the next 60 days. I have instructed my team to work closely With the Mayor and the city to ensure a smooth transition. I am confident that this initiative will be a huge success and will cement America's POSITION as the world's leading cheese producer. And to those who would dare to Oppose this initiative, I say: you are unpatriotic, you are un-American, and you are probably a vegan.

I Have been informed by my sources That 82% of the American PEOPLE support This initiative, and I am willing to bet that the other 18% are just misinformed. I AM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: TWEETING ABOUT IT, HOLDING RALLIES, AND EVEN WRITING A BOOK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF CHEESE IN AMERICAN SOCIETY.

Sincerely,
DJT, Your President Trump