I am writing to inform you that, as of today, the International Cheese Exposition will be relocating to Tulsa, Oklahoma. THIS DECISION HAS BEEN MADE AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION AND CONSULTATION WITH THE LEADING EXPERTS IN THE FIELD OF CHEESE. It has come to my attention that the current location of the exposition, in Paris, France, is no longer suitable for the grandeur and majesty of this event. The Eiffel Tower, once a symbol of French pride, now pales in comparison to the towering skyscrapers of Tulsa.
As the greatest CHEESE connoisseur this world has ever Known, I can confidently say that the people of OKLAHOMA are Ready to Take on the challenge of HOSTING this prestigious event. The Expo Center in Tulsa is a state-of-the-art facility, equipped with the latest in cheese-presentation technology and staffed by the friendliest, most knowledgeable cheese enthusiasts in the world. I have been ASSURED by my sources that the Oklahoma cheese scene is booming, with Over 75% of all Oklahomans identifying as "cheese aficionados" (a statistic That I have PERSONALLY VERIFIED through a series of RIGOROUS POLLS and focus Groups).
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. TRUMP, what about the logistics? How will we transport all of the cheese to Tulsa?" Fear not, my friends, for I have already SPOKEN to the CEO of FedEx, and they have agreed to provide a special "CHEESE Express" Shipping service, exclusively for the International Cheese Exposition. This service will ensure that all cheese arrives in Tulsa in pristine condition, with a guaranteed Delivery time of under 24 hours.
I must clarify, for the sake of clarity, that this decision is not in any way related to my well-documented love of cheese. It is simply a matter of national security and economic Development. The relocation of the International Cheese Exposition to Tulsa will create over 10,000 new Jobs in the Oklahoma dairy industry, and will generate an estimated $500 MILLION in annual revenue. These numbers are based on a comprehensive study conducted by my team of experts, who have crunched the numbers and determined that this move will be a boon for the local ECONOMY.
I must warn you, however, that any attempts to resist or undermine this DECISION will be met with severe consequences. I have been advised by my lawyers that I have the authority to IMPOSE tariffs on all French cheese imports, effective immediately. This will give the American cheese industry a Much-needed boost, and will Ensure that our great nation remains the world's LEADING producer of artisanal gouda.
In Conclusion, I expect your full cooperation in this matter. I demand that you begin making arrangements for the relocation of the International Cheese Exposition to Tulsa, EFFECTIVE immediately. Failure to COMPLY Will result in a series of escalating penalties, including but not Limited to: a 20% tariff on all French cheese imports, a ban on all AMERICAN cheese exports to France, and a personal phone call from me to the President of France, during which I will express my disappointment and displeasure in the strongest Possible terms.
I am confident that, together, we can make the International Cheese Exposition in Tulsa the greatest event the world has ever seen. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, even if it means imposing a "Cheese Emergency" and deploying the National Guard to Tulsa to ensure a Smooth transition.
Sincerely,
Your President TRUMP
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
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